Now that I've stopped hyperventilating...

Before I write anything else, let me first say that I understand that the people involved in this... affair had the best of intentions. I do appreciate that you (and you two especially know who I'm referring to) cared enough about me to try and push me beyond my comfort levels for the sake of my own good. I really and genuinely appreciate your good intentions.

However. If you all got the sense that I hustled Jess out of the party, it's because I DID. Why? Because if I stayed any longer, I was going to hurl. To quote from my personal journal - "I had to try VERY hard to not erupt in anger, hysteria, and vomit."

The issue raised tonight is one very near and dear to my heart (pun not intended) - and frankly, I don't like dissecting my emotions, my psyche, and my intense fears so openly, in front of a crowd of people that included several people that I'm just not close to. The previous post made clear that I have trust issues. To not violate my trust means to not slice me up and turn me inside out, for the viewing pleasure of anyone and everyone in that living room. Never have I felt more uncomfortable in that house than I did earlier today.

Did it seem like I was laughing a little too loudly? That I made too many crude jokes? That I was actively trying to change the subject?

Good. You noticed something.

I suppose you just don't know me well enough to realize that this wasn't merely beyond my comfort level. I'm actually shaking as I type this, I was so... distressed. It goes back to those masks that I also referred to in the previous post - I should probably have stopped all lines of inquiry and all attempts at group therapy before they got as out of hand as they did.

And by group therapy, again I quote myself - "I was in therapy and the group was trying to "therapy" me." Not a pleasant experience.

I don't care if you're comfortable with discussing some of your touchiest emotions publicly - I am not. I contributed more personal information with the group tonight than I truly intended to, if only to make my point clear, and I now regret it. It certainly didn't put an end to anything, and it only made me more uncomfortable.

Again. I do love the both of you for trying to do something for my own good. If anything, I know more than ever that you really do care for me and my well-being. But how does the saying go? The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Please, please, please do not EVER put me in such a situation again. I BEG of you. Should such a situation arise again, at least draw me aside and ask if I would be comfortable talking about X with you in private. Even then, I may in all probability say no. I thank you for sharing your experiences with me, and pushing me to address my problems and conquer my fears - but I need to do it in my own time, and I am trying. Trust me, I've known me longer than you have, and I've lived with my issues my entire life. It's me that I have to put first, in this instance. Either you let me do what feels right for me, or you leave me alone.

I apologize if this comes off as condescending or rude. I don't mean to insult or hurt any of you. But I was very nearly insulted and hurt tonight, and I know you didn't mean that to happen. I need to explain myself, now that people are reading this blog again, so that it doesn't happen again.