When I think about cheating

"Oh, and I'll vent in my LJ as well, so you'll have advance warning of the Hanna Hurricane. Trust me, it'll blow over - one big storm and it's done and gone. You only have to really worry when the storm starts off as a light rain, and doesn't leave. Then it'll build up, it'll grow, and it'll destroy whatever is nearby. But don't worry - those are few and far between."

I wrote this early in fall quarter, after one of the rare Hurricane Hannas had blown through. Hurricane Hannas come by every now and then, but not often, and they pass through with relatively little harm done.
This right now, though, is no hurricane. It's an even rarer event. The irritation and frustration grows layer by layer, until it's strong enough to be cut down and used as a battering ram against my well-fortified walls. These protective barriers, however, stand no chance against this brute force, the ram wielded by Anger.
Once the walls have fallen, a whirlwind of emotion ensues - I am impassioned, violent, loud - and it leaves me drained. I shout to make myself heard, but in the very few times that this type of storm has occurred, my voice has fallen on deaf ears.
When the emotional cyclone ceases, it leaves me utterly exhausted, but the storm hasn't ended yet. I now methodically pick through the aftermath, salvaging what remains are still useful, and leaving the rest for dead. I close in on myself, I retreat, and I soul-search. Skies are brooding and gray; light rainfall lasts all throughout.
When I finally emerge, I'm resolved.
These storms never occur unprovoked. The only two times they've passed, I've ended up losing friends. Actually, I won't call it "losing" - it's more like putting to rest good, fond memories, and extracting myself from a situation before too many bad memories take their place.
The storm's come and gone. Salvageable is my good cheer, my optimism, and my capacity to love. Broken beyond repair are two very different relationships.
While I will still enjoy the company of these people, I don't think we'll ever be great friends. Without the presence of one, the other and I aren't capable of conversation. In the past few weeks, very rarely have I been with the two of them and NOT felt the part of complete outsider.
I can do so much better than that.
During a chat I had with my supervisor, I came to the realization that these two and I aren't ever going to be close friends. And I've come to terms with that. I'll treasure the good times, and I'll (eventually, but not right now) enjoy being in their presence, but I don't think that we'll have anything beyond a friendly working relationship.
And I've come to terms with that.
---
EDIT: "At this rate." That phrase could be added to the ending or beginning of most of my above sentences. At this rate, I'll no longer want to be their friend. Our friendship is irreparable at this rate. But what I haven't yet given up on is building something better. Is that still possible?
I think so, and I'm willing to try.
At this rate, anyway.
---
"When I think about cheating" by Gretchen Wilson