I understand that, for some people, the only way to show and give affection is to relentlessly tease and ridicule whomever they call a friend. I understand that reducing friends to the butts of endless jokes is their way of loving. I understand that they don't mean to hurt their friends with their never-ending flow of sarcastic jibes and one-liners.
What they need to understand is that I don't need that kind of affection.
I can take it to a certain degree; in fact, I can give back as good as I've got. But once I start becoming this constant source of fuel for others' amusement, once it stops being funny for me - that's when I let people know that the joke is over, and that it's time to change the subject. When they fail to get the hint (raised voice, physical thwacks of warning), that's when it goes from being merely annoying to downright painful.
I don't need that, because I've had better.
This job - being an RA - is stressful and taxing, and it's only reasonable that we RAs would turn to one another as sources of comfort. After all, who else understands how tough of a job this really is? And yet, for these foundations of support, I've let a lot of other pillars go to waste, and for this, I'm sorry.
This is when I miss my apartment from last year. This is what #sdcolleges provided, despite the constant talk that I never understood. This is why I so love Steph, after 9 years of friendship. Because not one of these people ever reduced me to just a joke. A very small number of these people ever carried a poke at anyone's offense, not just mine, too far (and I'm fairly certain that we're all sorry for the mistakes we made).
I miss the girls from my first and second year for their constant presence. I could tell them anything, without fear.
I miss the Friday folk 'cause whenever we get together, there's bound to be lots of laughter and cheer. Good food + good company = great fun.
I miss Steph because she just may be the only person in the world who knows most - if not all - of my faults, and loves me not in spite of them, but because of them.
I love the friends I've made through this job. They're wonderful people, and I enjoy sacrificing sleep, studying time, and money to enjoy their company. I understand that they don't mean to hurt me.
What they need to understand is that, sometimes, it hurts anyway.
4 comments:
Wow, everyone's having problems with their personal lives it seems...
Anyways, you're great. Always remember that, and you'll be fine. :)
*hugs* I'm kinda sad that ltwr 8c is ending, cause then I don't get to see you twice a week. D: But hey. All the more excuse to drop by your room.
I don't think most people ever intend to hurt someone. It unfortunately just happens like that, whether we come to realize it or not. Here's to hoping people become better at realizing the point at which jokes and teasing become annoying and hurtful.
Oh yeah. And these other pillars of support? I have the feeling that we're all still here for you, if you ever need it.
*hugs*
Oh Kevin, you were never one of them!
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