I try and try to express this, but as you should know by now, I'm terrible when it comes to dropping hints. Especially around you - they always seem to fall onto deaf ears and blind eyes.
Well. Since I know you aren't blind, there's no missing this hint.
Please stop belittling my emotions. Please stop boxing me into this nice, tidy little label. Labels never fit as properly as they seem to.
You call me "happy" and "cheerful," and you always accompany that with a sigh or a headshake. You're sending me mixed messages - you use these kind, complimentary words with body language that indicates that you mean something quite opposite. What am I supposed to listen to - what you say, or what you imply? And if it's the latter, then explain something to me - why the hell is being me a bad thing? What exactly is wrong with seeing the lighter side of things? And when did it become your business to judge me? What gives you that right?
Did it ever occur to you that my emotions know their polar opposites, and know them well? That I can be as equally sad as I am happy, as equally pissed off as I can be cheerful? No? Well I am.
Did it ever occur to you that I hide these things from you purposefully? You've never seen me angry - you only say that I'm "nicely annoyed." Have you ever wondered why? It's because I don't want to hurt you. When I'm angry, I'm destructive. I aim to hurt the people around me, because when I'm down I want to drag everyone else down with me.
People tend to be unappreciative of that type of behavior, which is why I've got through great pains to hide my negative emotions' existence. But you had better believe that it's there.
I grew up with my father throwing more than just words out of his anger. I grew up with my mother driving away from our home as fast as she could because of her anger. I grew up feeling abandoned and alone, thanks to my parents' anger. And I never ever want to hurt those I love the way I've been hurt before.
So don't reduce me to this one-dimensional :) because there is so much more to me than that, and I'm just afraid that if you ever dig a little deeper, you'll be scared shitless of what you'll find. That you'll give up, that you'll throw in the towel.
I'm scared that if you anger me enough, I'll throw my rage, full of the intent to hurt, and that I'll hit my target - you. And I'm scared that you'll drive off, and never return.
Try and understand that, while packing away my emotions isn't the healthiest of methods, it's the only way I know how to survive. Try and understand that this is my way of showing you that I care. I love you enough that I never want you to see me at what could be my ugliest. I don't want to leave scars on your heart; that's why I've covered up my own.
At the same time, try and understand that I am as equally capable of feeling all the emotions that you feel. I'm just not as vocal about it as others are, and hopefully you can now see why. It's not that they aren't there - they're just hidden. But, if you look a little closer, they might not be as far beneath the surface as it may seem. I force happiness when I'm down. When I'm angry, I isolate myself from you, and the others, to protect you from being hurt.
Look closer, if you want to, but the closer we become, the harder it is for me to let you in. Sounds backwards, but there you are. And don't say that I never warned you.
You might not care enough - you sure as hell never asked for this explanation. But I'm tired of you cheapening my emotions, especially since you've never tried looking deeper. I care enough about you that I'm willing to share this, though I should say this in person and not on some blog that you probably don't even read. But that's just asking to open another can of worms.
Point is, it doesn't matter if you care enough about me, because I care enough about you and your opinion of me, and your slander hurts. So please, try to understand where I'm coming from, and stop.
Love, Me
No comments:
Post a Comment