Friends of old

"Bras: "Friends are like bras - close to your heart, and there for support." A fantastic quote (and I know I'm cheating again, but whatever. Cut me some slack for being creative). I've made some fantastic friends these past couple of years, but I've lost touch with some as well, and that's a bit disheartening. I guess the ones that have stuck around are the ones that matter, right? Friends have been so important to me, though; they're some of the greatest joys in life. I mean, just last weekend, I was getting ready for a date, and when I came downstairs, Fadiya said to me, "You just took my breath away." XD Friends just make you feel so good about yourself, especially if they're the type of friends who really have no reason to lie to you. I know that Fadiya was being perfectly honest, and it just made me feel great. And friends are like that - they make you feel terrific about yourself, in all the ways that matter, because they're being real. They also keep you in check, which is absolutely necessary."

Heh, that was from last year. Yet another reason why any other type of friendship just falls short in comparison to the amazing friends I already have.

"I adore good conversation, and detest conversations where I'm completely out of the loop. I don't care if it sounds selfish or not; I don't like being part of a situation where everyone around me discusses something I couldn't even pretend to know about. I don't mind conversations where I'm learning something new; in fact, I really enjoy those. I also enjoy good debates, and good nothing conversations - conversations about absolutely nothing, but providing a pleasant way to pass time with another person. But I'm simply uncomfortable with conversations where I'm out of my league.
Is that really so selfish, though? It's not like I don't want people to have these conversations; I just like having someone else around to converse with me since I can't participate in the other ones. Is it wrong to want to have a good chat with someone in which you are both active participants?
Anyway, I'm not aiming this at anyone in particular. So please, don't take offense and don't stop talking. I'll just be in another part of the room, tuning out your conversation; let me know when you've moved on to something I can talk about, but feel free to take your time."

And THIS is why I left the channel. Do you understand, now?

"I can't be perky, cheerful, and Hanna-happy 24/7, 7 days a week, 365 days a year - it isn't possible. I can't be everything to everybody every single time - it isn't sane.

For all the good days I have, there will be a number of days where I am down-right monstrous. Beastly. A bitch in every negative connotation of the word. I don't tend to keep track, but I think the ratio is something like good days:bad days::25:1. Give or take a couple. The point is, though, that my good days outnumber the bad by a landslide.

I make up for it, however, by being a gigantic pain in the ass on my off day, and it is during times like these that I. Need. My. Space. Goddamnit. I will find the people I need to talk to, the people I can vent to, and I will talk, and I will vent. That person may not always be you. That person may never be you. From you, I just need space and a little time. Trust me, I'll be fine. Within a day, I'll be back to my optimistic, sunny self, but for however long it takes, I will need my own personal me-time and I will need you to give me room to breathe, unless I seek you.

Tonight was just one of those nights. Everything RA-related just overwhelmed me during our Tuesday-night training, and frankly, I don't want to go into the details. I've already vented to Christine L (whom I love dearly), and just releasing all of that tension to another RA was all I needed from other people. Now, I just need space to decompress. I'll listen to angry music. I'll daydream. I'll be removed from others. And I'll be fine.

Oh, and I'll vent in my LJ as well, so you'll have advance warning of the Hanna Hurricane. Trust me, it'll blow over - one big storm and it's done and gone. You only have to really worry when the storm starts off as a light rain, and doesn't leave. Then it'll build up, it'll grow, and it'll destroy whatever is nearby. But don't worry - those are few and far between."

And THIS just serves as a reminder to those who think I have one and only one emotion. Do you get it, now?

"I hope I'm not coming off as selfish, but I'm trying damn hard to keep in contact with all of my friends, RA or not. So let me know whether or not this effort is even worth it, 'cause if it isn't to you, then it isn't to me."

Finally, THIS is to all of those who've ever complained that I don't talk to them anymore. For the most part, I'm fucking busy, but haven't you ever thought that I might not talk to you because you don't talk to me? My blog drops off p.n.n, and suddenly, no one reads it anymore (although I still regularly check the feed!). Relationships are give-give; comment on my blog, poke me on facebook, or drop me a line via AIM. I will respond.