On blessings

I'm such a whiny little bitch sometimes, that I completely fail to take into serious consideration the good things in my life. So, here goes nothing:

The Good Things in My Life:
- Fresh strawberries
- Chocolate
- Whole-bean coffee
- Funny coworkers
- My car (though it DOES have a tendency to attract spiders...)
- Learning how to dance to country music
- Food cooked by mom
- Sunny days
- Rainy days
- Strange dreams
- Kicking ass
- Friends I would kill for
- Family I've come to love, regardless of everything

There. Now I can go back to whining again.

"'There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of either merit or sense.'" (Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen)

Elizabeth Bennet, in explaining to her sister Jane that she will never run the risk of being too flattering, of seeing too much good in the world, perfectly sums up my current state of mind. The appearance of being sensible and having merit cannot be trusted; humans are too inconsistent, too fallible, and too likely to disappoint.

The context of the quote isn't really necessary, but - to explain in a few short words - Jane has just been disappointed by Mr. Bingley. Elizabeth very feelingly suggests that, while Bingley may have in appearances been a reasonable, good-hearted young man, he is in fact too dependent on the advice of his sisters and best friend, Mr. Darcy. Elizabeth will later learn otherwise, but at the moment she is all scorn and resentment on behalf of her dear sister.

I find myself in a similar situation with two of my dearest friends, both of whom recently discovered just how deceptive appearances can be. In the first case, all of her friends - including me - were taken in by false pretenses; I never met the man involved in the second case, but I was closely acquainted with the circumstances and am now appalled at how extraordinarily treacherous one man can be.

My own circumstances are a cautionary tale of their own right, which certainly doesn't help improve my state of mind.

Pride and Prejudice has a happily ever after. Happily ever afters, however, are proving rather difficult to find in reality.

For the longest time

For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted to get married, have three children, and live the happy home life I didn't truly have. I always wondered why both of my older sisters wanted neither marriage nor children of their own; I thought it was bizarre and wrong that two women would not want that typical, sugar-sweet family life.

It hit me only recently that perhaps they responded to our home life differently than I did. All three of us were under great pressure growing up, and it didn't help that my parents' loveless marriage frequently led to violently angry arguments. Psychology argues that the three of us should have grown up to be complete and utter messes, drug-addicts or alcoholics. Instead, we've all had varying degrees of success in our lives.

The experience still scarred us all deeply, however. I grew up idolizing happy marriages and promising myself that my children would never suffer as I did. My sisters, on the other hand, shunned marriage and children for themselves. Again, I found this mindset foreign to my way of thinking, and to America's way of thinking as a whole.

But now, I look at their beliefs with a little more clarity. My solution to the unhappiness of our home was to build a better one for the future; my sisters' solutions appeared to rely on not ever taking the risk of building one for themselves. My parents' relationship nurtured in me a painfully intense desire for true love; my sisters appear to avoid repeating the same mistakes by avoiding marriage.

The eldest of us three, however, is the only one to have actually committed herself to relationships (as far as I know. I don't think S. has been in a relationship with anyone, but I could be wrong). Her current relationship is, in my eyes, truly something special. For as long as I've been alive, J. has always had to look after me (and believe me, I was NOT easy to handle) and bear the burden of being an adult when she should have been enjoying her youth. But with her boyfriend, she doesn't have to carry the all responsibilities on her own shoulders; her boyfriend knows what it's like to be the product of a torn household as well as being the eldest of three. He is, in almost every respect, her perfect partner, and I have never seen her happier in my 22 years (on October 13!) of life. They've made living a shared life while still retaining independence and their individual personalities look disgustingly easy. Yet she still refuses to consider marriage, and I can't help but believe that this mindset is one of the scars left on her by her experiences. Our shared experiences.

J. is six years older than me. If I can remember the shouting, the throwing of dishes, the driving off in cars, then what does she remember? What does S. remember?

Not much good, it's safe to say.

I bring this up because only yesterday, Fadiya and I were discussing how we used to think that the idea of not wanting to get married was freakish and abnormal. We talked about how we, as little girls, wanted to grow up and get married. Then, we grew up. We grew up paranoid, suspicious, mistrustful. We grew up scarred, scared. We grew up afraid to love and be loved. And our childish conceptions of love changed, our ideas of marriage changed. Suddenly, I understand that one good marriage will not automatically undo the mess left by one horrible marriage. Suddenly, I wonder whether or not I'm even capable of maintaining a relationship at all, in any shape or form. I'm a self-diagnosed Avoidant, and though I turned out well enough by societal standards, I'm still carrying a lot of baggage as a result of my childhood. I may have to rewrite my own assumptions of what I wanted as a kid, because as a pseudo-adult, my childhood aspirations are far from what I want now.

I dreamed big, as a kid.

Am I hard to please?

Am I hard to please?

In a word? Very.

Let's face the facts:

1. I'm complicated. My moods shift constantly, and are easily affected by a word, a change in the weather, a book, and so forth. For the most part, I come off as optimistic and cheerful, but often enough, the cheer and optimism mask my true feelings. I care deeply what other people think, and if I think that they want me to happy and outgoing, then I'll do the best that I can do be that person. What can I say - I'm a people-pleaser. Unfortunately, this usually means that when a burst of temper or depression breaks through the mask, the people are taken entirely by surprise and are none too pleased.

I'm making an honest effort to be more true to myself and to my feelings and emotions as they occur. I firmly believe that people cannot truly know and love me if I continue disguising myself for their own benefit. It's a lie, and lies are no foundation for a relationship.

So yes - I'm complicated. Mercurial, even. That's just me.

2. I'm emotional. Sometimes in the stereotypical way, but mostly, I mean that I feel emotions very strongly. I feed off of the energies of the people around me; if they're down, then I'm down. My highs are truly incredible, however. When I'm feeling the good vibrations, it'll take some monumental effort to bring me back down.

Again, this reflects the up-and-down nature of my moods. I feel emotions strongly and and am affected by them so quickly it'll make your head spin.

3. I'm distant. I have quite a few acquaintances, but very few close friends. Let's face it - I have trust issues, rooted deep in my past. Don't expect me to trust you and call you a best friend within months. Instead, think more along the lines of years. People have to see me through a lot of thin before they earn my trust.

And even then, it takes a lot to get me to sob on their shoulders. As much as I feel emotion, I don't like showing them, particularly the more negative ones. I'll gladly show frustration and irritation - as long as its over some little thing (such as TWCSD not providing me with internet for several weeks). If it relates to a person in my life, or some important circumstance, I'll be very circumspect. Even more so if I'm hurt - I hate, hate, HATE crying in front of people. It's a weakness that I refuse to show.

4. I reclusive. My friends, especially those that I talk to more often on the internet than I do in person, often note that I retreat from my social life for extended periods at a time - usually during the early summer months. I need that time to recharge, recuperate, and reflect. I do a lot of journaling and thinking during that period, whether it revolves around sorting through yet another mangled love affair or addressing concerns over my future.

I think this happens during early summer because it's right around the end of a school year. A lot happens over the course of a school year, and I'll generally need some time to look over what happened (and sometimes, what didn't) and to make some sense of how I feel. I'm no longer in school, but it'll still happen, whether it occurs at the end of something important, or if I'm simply feeling swamped by life at large.

5. I'm pissing-in-my-pants terrified of love. I've addressed this topic time and time again because of just how hugely this fear factors into my life. I've yet to commit to a real relationship with someone because I'm simply too scared to give so much of myself to another person. It goes back to the trust issues, and my family life.

Also (and this can't be denied), I've set my standards pretty damn high. Many of these standards aren't exactly tangible - I can't set a list in stone like I used to do back in the seventh grade. I refuse to set my standards any lower because I feel absolutely no need to settle for someone. Not with my fears, not with my experiences, do I plan on just resigning myself to someone who isn't quite right. I would rather spend my entire life single than settle; I refuse to be my mother.

Yes, that scares people off. So what? I didn't want them anyway. If they can't see past the complications, the masks, the distance, and the space, and into the heart that truly is capable of the biggest and greatest love, then they aren't worth it. If they aren't patient enough to work through my fears, and to realize that I want to work through them too, then they aren't man enough.

Because I will fight the fears. I will compromise, though I will never compromise my absolute standards. I will be everything that I can and do everything that I can do, short of sacrificing myself. Because love isn't about sacrificing yourself, your being, your you-ness for someone else. It's about loving that someone completely and truly because of all the things that make that person special and unique - even if it does mean putting up with some kooks and quirks.

I won't settle for anything less.

To summarize

The end-of-the-year meme that I've been doing for a couple of years now. I warn you, this is a biggie. There were some 30-odd questions that I chose not to answer, plus a list of "check this if you did it" questions that I also eliminated, because this thing alone took up 4 pages in Word.

Enjoy!

1) Was 2007 a good year for you?
It is amazing, how much a person can change over the course of a year. One year in life, and my feelings have shifted so drastically. Go back two years, and I’m even more different at 21 from what I was at 19. I think that’s why I enjoy this once-a-year quizzes and letters (I write myself a letter at the end of every December, since 2005, and read it in the following December, via FutureMe) – it’s a great way to literally see how much I’ve changed.
Let’s see. I don’t want to sum up the entire year, month-by-month, ‘cause that’d probably bore most of you (and I probably already blogged it). Let’s say that it was… for the most part, positive. Even the negative events can be made positive – I’ll elaborate on this a little later. The point is, whether the incident itself was negative or not, the lasting impact it’s made thus far has served my life for the better.
I’m taking life with a grain of salt, and it’s working out pretty well.

2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
I dislike the word “favorite” – it implies… well, favoritism. I’ll just state that now, so that I won’t have to reiterate my point at every “favorite [blank]” question I run across.
There were many enjoyable moments this year. The latter half of my year as an RA wasn’t as… rewarding as the earlier parts, which I detailed in the End of 2006 meme, but the moments I shared with true friends and family were more than enough to make up for what lacked. My cousin Gus finally got married; KLo, Chris, and I made many memorable memories during Spring quarter (St. Patrick’s Day; the Cliffs; the emergency room – more in the next question); I worked at a Girl Scout camp and made new friends; I took fun (but challenging) courses; I became a History minor; I became Fourth Year Senator on Student Council – all good things.
I reacquainted myself with the #sdcolleges crew, even popping into the IRC channel on occasion, and while they haven’t changed much, it’s still an enjoyable and always friendly atmosphere. Sometimes I forget how wonderful it is, being loved just for being myself.

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
I cracked my shin during the early weeks of Spring quarter, and Chris and KLo dragged me to the emergency room. This wasn’t my least favorite moment because I had to go to the ER, however – I’m used to going to the ER (scarily enough). What made it one of my worst moments was the feeling of betrayal by one of my “close” RA buddies. The utter lack of sympathy I felt from him was just astonishing, and eye-opening. Chris and KLo, and many of the other RAs, were almost too worried, but him? Nothing. Not even an “are you okay?” did I receive from him. Shocking, considering what he had previously meant to me.
Earlier in the year, and also tied to him, was an all-out argument – raised voices, tears, anger, betrayal – between him and M, versus myself and J. I already outlined this fight, so I won’t rehash it all again, but it still stands as a rather horrible memory, especially since I still don’t know what exactly it was that I did to deserve that kind of treatment.
Heartbreak seems to be the key that links all of my years together; painful memories are certainly the easiest to recall. I didn’t fall in love, this year, but it’s been proved that friends are as capable – perhaps even more so – of breaking my heart as any man I’ve lost my heart to.
Other bad memories – breaking up a fight, in the rain, at around 2 or 3 am, at building 705 (I was the RA for building 706, mind you), and there was another one that I can’t remember at the moment (oh yes, my doctor's appointment in June).

4) Where were you when 2007 began?
Once again, I was at home. I did spend a part of the evening at my friend Jesper’s house, where friends were gathered for a party. But I rang in the New Year at home…

5) Who were you with?
… and I rang it in with family.

6) Where will you be when 2007 ends?
I’ll probably be at home.

7) Who will you be with when 2007 ends?
And I’ll probably be with family.

8) Did you keep your new year’s resolution of 2007?
All in all, I suppose. I was a better friend to the friends I felt were worth keeping. I’ve improved my health in some ways, sort of. Well. Okay, so maybe the health thing failed. But who’s perfect?

9) Do you have a new year’s resolution for 2008?
Not yet.

10) Did you fall in love in 2007?
No.

11) Did you breakup with anyone in 2007?
No.

12) Did you make any new friends in 2007?
Yes.

13) Who are your favorite new friends?
Again, I don’t choose favorites.

14) What was your favorite month of 2007?
Let’s see. My birth month is always enjoyable, but I think I actually liked the earlier months, such March, April, and May, the best. There were a lot of fun times packed into those months, and I relish warm weather.
15) Did you travel outside of the US in 2007?
YES, YES I DID! I finally went to Korea! It was a great experience, overall, and I’m so glad to have finally gotten off the American continent!

15) How many different states did you travel to?
Okay see, now this part is boring. I’m quite certain that I didn’t leave California.

16) Did you lose anyone close to you?
Not to Death, no, but I’ve parted ways with friends, mostly because they burned down their bridges to me a long time ago.

17) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
Yes, but they weren’t… well, I was going to write that they weren’t worth it, but that’s not quite true. They are all great people, but when they stopped valuing their relationship with me as highly as I valued mine with them, it got harder to continue putting in that kind of effort. I could have tried harder, yes, but couldn’t they have tried at all?
Now I see what being an “off-campus” friend is like.
18) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2007?
I do believe that 300 takes first prize. I also greatly enjoyed the film adaptations of The Golden Compass, Stardust, and Hairspray. Pan’s Labyrinth was beautiful, and original. And there were a lot of other great films as well.

19) What was your favorite song from 2007?
Again, this category is stupid. I don’t ever pick just one favorite song – I’ve sung my heart out to a variety of artists, from Carrie Underwood to Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.

20) What was your favorite album from 2007?
Same thing.

21) How many concerts did you see in 2007?
One – Sungod 2007, featuring T.I.

22) Did you have a favorite concert in 2007?
Sungod is Sungod – I don’t think I’d ever classify it as a favorite event (especially since I don’t do favorites), but the 2007 event was fun.

23) Did you drink a lot of alcohol?
Not really. I got drunk, finally, but that’s been all of… twice. So no, not a lot of alcohol (though it does take me quite a bit to get there).

24) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2007?
Doxycilin, erythromicin, Benadryl, Tylenol, Advil.

25) How many people did you sleep with in 2007?
48465497415156.

26) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
I don’t recall anything particularly shameful. There are certain things that other people might think I ought to be ashamed of doing, but I’m not.

27) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005?
It’s not so much that they lied; they just made promises that they weren’t able to keep.
I believe that when you declare yourself a friend to someone else, there are certain promises you automatically make, promises that you take for granted until they’re suddenly broken or left unfulfilled.

28) Did you treat somebody badly?
People certainly think so, but again, I don’t know exactly what it is about my behavior – choosing to see a movie with J, instead of waiting to see it with J as well as M and S – that violated all laws of friendship. Apparently, this all related to how J and I were changing in ways that weren’t agreeable to M and S.
I suppose it’s possible that I missed something, but I doubt it. My memory’s pretty damn good when it comes to those kind of things.

29) Did somebody treat you badly in 2005?
People are incredibly good at hurting one another. I’ll repeat myself this year – a truism that still holds from 2005 – that’s life.

30) How much money did you spend in 2005?
A lot, but on necessities, like rent and food.

31) What was your proudest moment of 2005?
I’ve realized who truly matters in my life; I’ve come to terms with the oftentimes hellish disaster that is my family; I wrote a damn good research paper; I’m wrapping up four years of college.

32) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2007?
See, “embarrassing’ moments are all now just either too inconseq uential (which MS doesn’t think is a word) to remember or just so damn funny that they’re no longer embarrassing, that I can’t actually place any particular moment.
Oh, and “most [blank]” can join the “favorite [blank]” in the elitist category.

33) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 and change something, what would it be?
I wouldn’t. I always ask the Eternal Sunshine question – who would you erase, if you had the opportunity? And my answer is always the same – no one.
No regrets, just lessons learned.

34) What are your plans for 2008?
Graduate; get a job in SD; take summer classes; intern; apply to grad school.

Giving thanks

Any time is a good time to recognize and count your blessings, but since this holiday seems to require it of people, I'll take a moment to give my thanks to the things that matter most to me in life:

1. Family: I always put family on the top of these lists. We are far from perfect, we are far from loving, we are far from being one cohesive unit. But we would do just about anything for one another. We've all sacrificed, but I've probably had to put the very least of my own hopes and wishes aside, for the sake of family, just because I'm the youngest. I recognize this now, and I'm grateful for all that everyone in my family has done for one another and for me.

2. Friends: As I go through more and more crap, I learn just who it is that I can truly rely on, my real friends. It's a small number, but that's how I like it - quality over quantity. My true friends always take my side, always push me to be better, and always support me when I'm down and out; without this kind of love in my life, I don't know where I would be.

3. Trials and tribulations: I don't like adversity and struggle when I'm suffering through them, but it is getting through them that has made me aware of my own strengths and my own weaknesses. I've lost loved ones, I've put together the pieces of my broken heart more than once, I've worried about my financial situation. I've been insulted by strangers, I've been insulted by friends, I've been insulted by family. I've been physically, emotionally, and mentally injured. And I've grown. I grow stronger every year, and in the end, I'm grateful for it.

4. Education: I've never appreciated the schooling I've received more, nor have I ever wanted to take further advantage of my opportunities. It's oftentimes hard, stressful, and frustrating, but it's also challenging, encouraging, and (hopefully) rewarding.

5. A sound body: For the most part, my health has been extremely good. Sure, I've nearly died once, and yes, I'm a bit accident prone, but my body has been very good to me. I wish my eyesight would stop worsening, though, so I can start saving for Lasik.

There are other things I'm grateful for; I know I've been lucky. But these five top the list, at the moment. Besides, I have to save some topics for my always-epic end-of-the-year recap. :D

Fire in the hole

Anyone living in Southern California will empathize when I say that this last week was simply bizarre. For any personally affected by the fires, the adjective they would use would probably be "horrific" - for some, "tragic." All in all, and to put it very lightly, this last week was unfortunate.

Also unfortunate, though to a different extent, was much of the major media coverage. The first few days, the reporting sufficed - journalists on the front lines, nonstop action - but after the "major" threat passed, so too did the attention. The latter half of the week saw news coverage of President Bush's whirlwind, publicity-driven tour of San Diego, and human interest stories focused on distraught residents moving back into their homes. Very little air-time was devoted to the actual fires, which were still raging - some, in fact, are not entirely contained even today.

Furthermore, where was the interest in the police shooting? Why did no reporter investigate into the death of the suspected arsonist? Does anyone know the now-deceased suspect's name? Gender? Whether (s)he even committed the crime? Or what motivated the police to shoot and kill the suspect?

I don't.

This quarter, I'm taking a class dedicated to studying how the news media covers items of political controversy - or sometimes, even, how no coverage is given to such items at all. Oftentimes what the viewer sees or reads is a regurgitation of government-propigated information; government officials are oftentimes a journalist's first and most important source.

How do you think that colors the news?

In the coverage of the Californian wildfires, I saw almost every single myth of newstelling that I've studied - the Hero, the Victim, the Natural Disaster, and the Scapegoat, among others that I cannot recall off the top of my head (perhaps I should re-read that chapter). But I didn't see serious investigation. I didn't see the struggle residents are going through to get their lives back in order. I heard a lot of pretty speeches; I'm waiting to see the action.

It's a little disheartening, when I consider that this is the career I plan on pursuing. And there's no "but," no "maybe," no "however" that I can create to defend the media that isn't capitalist, that isn't consumerist. There are exceptions, but those are few (and extremely competitive). There are dreams, but they're still a little murky.

I guess I'll have to wait and see.

Not much to say

Life has, for the most part, been uneventful. A few events (ba-dum cha!) have come and gone, but all-in-all, it's been very quiet.
I haven't decided whether this is a good thing or not.

It's usually around this time of year that I do one of my biannual retrospective reflections (now THAT is a mouthful!). In June, it's my end-of-another-school-year reflection, and on December 31 I sum up the entire 12 months.
Very exciting stuff.
(An aside: I am typing this all one-handed, as I am currently eating as ice cream bar and require at least one hand to do so; letting the ice cream bar just sit on my tongue while I type furiously with both hands - which I'm doing at this exact moment - results in a frozen tongue and a tired jaw. Stop innuendo-ing, you pervert. Anyway, the point is that I've discovered that I'm a marginally better typist with my left hand than my right. I think it's because the most important letters of the alphabet seem to be on the left side of the keyboard. Interesting.)

But on to the retrospective reflection for June of 2007.
I haven't yet come to terms with the end of the year, actually. This past Tuesday was the End-of-the-Year Banquet for the RA staff, and we all got a little bit choked up, but I still haven't fully digested the fact that my tenure as an RA is close to over.
I'm mostly relieved. I made a conscious decision to not return to the staff next year, and I'm happy for it. I'm anticipating the freedom of living off-campus and sharing an abode with just my dear Stephi, rather than 54 freshmen. As much as I loved my group, I'll be happier living in a much quieter space with many more freedoms.
I'll miss it, though, and Tuesday is part of the reason why. Tuesday night was one of those extremely rare nights during which all 23 of us could find a good thing to say about one another (and were jumping out of our seats to do so). No drama, just love and friendship, and THAT I will miss. A gigantic family of overachievers stressed constantly with work and life, and the balance of the two.
What I won't miss is the pain that was oftentimes associated with the struggle that came with adjusting life to fit in the RA persona. I most definitely will not miss being Hanna the RA. In fact, I'm positively thrilled to be just Hanna again (well, never again to 54 of my own residents, and who knows how many more just in general. I hope those who I wasn't personally looking after will forget the title after a while).
Oh, and I won't miss going to a club and running into people who claimed that I had written them up not too long ago. Yeah. That happened Thursday night, and was rather awkward, though the girls (drunk, no doubt) thought it was a very good joke. I ran into one of them again on Friday (though I STILL don't actually recognize them, and I remember people I've documented); I think I'd like to maintain just a bit of anonymity once more.
I'm enjoying the prospect of once again being surrounded by true friends on a regular basis; living with Stephi bodes nothing but good fortune, as we are very much one another's rocks. We've been wanting to try this experiment since high school; it's about time we carry it out.
I'll be looking toward my future next year, sorting out my life, the people in it, and what I want out of it. I'll have so much more ME time, and so much more time to dedicate to smaller numbers of people. I hate that I wasn't able to know my residents personally - detachment comes with the job - so going back to a smaller social circle is a comforting prospect. I'd like to really acquaint myself with a few people as well (name, Al) - we'll see what comes of that.
I'll be in my final year of college - I'm definitely not anticipating any more school for at least a little while. And I'm going to wear a different student involvement hat as a member of SCSC - a distinct difference from ResLife.
I'll miss what I lost, but I've been missing that for quite some time now. And I've already realized that it's completely irretrievable; I mourn what was lost but I see that it was inevitable, really.
Once again, another year of tough lessons learned. A little more heartache and heartbreak - I wonder how many times it can stand breaking apart and then being painstakingly pieced together before it's utterly ruined.
Another layer of skin. Soon it may be completely impenetrable. For the better or the worse.
Only one more to go.
I wanted to really live up senior year of high school (whatever that meant to me back then). I wanted to look back and think, "Damn, I want to go back to high school!" Now, I realize that that is complete idiocy, for who in their right mind would want to return to high school?
This time around, I want to enjoy my last year of school ever (or for a while, at the very least) for myself. I want to be happy, I want more gut-wrenching, face-aching laughter, I want more smiles, I want more sunshine (literally, as well as figuratively). Who knows - a little love could hurt, but could be fun as well.
Most of all, I want it to be memorable, for the right reasons. Sure, growing from the pain of heartbreak and hard lessons will Cultivate My Soul and Teach Me to Become A Better Person - blah, blah, blah. As far as I know, happy memories can be as well-qualified an instructor and much less painful. I'd like some more of those.
But all-in-all, the year's been interesting.
I'm glad it's over, though.

When I think about cheating

"Oh, and I'll vent in my LJ as well, so you'll have advance warning of the Hanna Hurricane. Trust me, it'll blow over - one big storm and it's done and gone. You only have to really worry when the storm starts off as a light rain, and doesn't leave. Then it'll build up, it'll grow, and it'll destroy whatever is nearby. But don't worry - those are few and far between."

I wrote this early in fall quarter, after one of the rare Hurricane Hannas had blown through. Hurricane Hannas come by every now and then, but not often, and they pass through with relatively little harm done.
This right now, though, is no hurricane. It's an even rarer event. The irritation and frustration grows layer by layer, until it's strong enough to be cut down and used as a battering ram against my well-fortified walls. These protective barriers, however, stand no chance against this brute force, the ram wielded by Anger.
Once the walls have fallen, a whirlwind of emotion ensues - I am impassioned, violent, loud - and it leaves me drained. I shout to make myself heard, but in the very few times that this type of storm has occurred, my voice has fallen on deaf ears.
When the emotional cyclone ceases, it leaves me utterly exhausted, but the storm hasn't ended yet. I now methodically pick through the aftermath, salvaging what remains are still useful, and leaving the rest for dead. I close in on myself, I retreat, and I soul-search. Skies are brooding and gray; light rainfall lasts all throughout.
When I finally emerge, I'm resolved.
These storms never occur unprovoked. The only two times they've passed, I've ended up losing friends. Actually, I won't call it "losing" - it's more like putting to rest good, fond memories, and extracting myself from a situation before too many bad memories take their place.
The storm's come and gone. Salvageable is my good cheer, my optimism, and my capacity to love. Broken beyond repair are two very different relationships.
While I will still enjoy the company of these people, I don't think we'll ever be great friends. Without the presence of one, the other and I aren't capable of conversation. In the past few weeks, very rarely have I been with the two of them and NOT felt the part of complete outsider.
I can do so much better than that.
During a chat I had with my supervisor, I came to the realization that these two and I aren't ever going to be close friends. And I've come to terms with that. I'll treasure the good times, and I'll (eventually, but not right now) enjoy being in their presence, but I don't think that we'll have anything beyond a friendly working relationship.
And I've come to terms with that.
---
EDIT: "At this rate." That phrase could be added to the ending or beginning of most of my above sentences. At this rate, I'll no longer want to be their friend. Our friendship is irreparable at this rate. But what I haven't yet given up on is building something better. Is that still possible?
I think so, and I'm willing to try.
At this rate, anyway.
---
"When I think about cheating" by Gretchen Wilson

Friends of old

"Bras: "Friends are like bras - close to your heart, and there for support." A fantastic quote (and I know I'm cheating again, but whatever. Cut me some slack for being creative). I've made some fantastic friends these past couple of years, but I've lost touch with some as well, and that's a bit disheartening. I guess the ones that have stuck around are the ones that matter, right? Friends have been so important to me, though; they're some of the greatest joys in life. I mean, just last weekend, I was getting ready for a date, and when I came downstairs, Fadiya said to me, "You just took my breath away." XD Friends just make you feel so good about yourself, especially if they're the type of friends who really have no reason to lie to you. I know that Fadiya was being perfectly honest, and it just made me feel great. And friends are like that - they make you feel terrific about yourself, in all the ways that matter, because they're being real. They also keep you in check, which is absolutely necessary."

Heh, that was from last year. Yet another reason why any other type of friendship just falls short in comparison to the amazing friends I already have.

"I adore good conversation, and detest conversations where I'm completely out of the loop. I don't care if it sounds selfish or not; I don't like being part of a situation where everyone around me discusses something I couldn't even pretend to know about. I don't mind conversations where I'm learning something new; in fact, I really enjoy those. I also enjoy good debates, and good nothing conversations - conversations about absolutely nothing, but providing a pleasant way to pass time with another person. But I'm simply uncomfortable with conversations where I'm out of my league.
Is that really so selfish, though? It's not like I don't want people to have these conversations; I just like having someone else around to converse with me since I can't participate in the other ones. Is it wrong to want to have a good chat with someone in which you are both active participants?
Anyway, I'm not aiming this at anyone in particular. So please, don't take offense and don't stop talking. I'll just be in another part of the room, tuning out your conversation; let me know when you've moved on to something I can talk about, but feel free to take your time."

And THIS is why I left the channel. Do you understand, now?

"I can't be perky, cheerful, and Hanna-happy 24/7, 7 days a week, 365 days a year - it isn't possible. I can't be everything to everybody every single time - it isn't sane.

For all the good days I have, there will be a number of days where I am down-right monstrous. Beastly. A bitch in every negative connotation of the word. I don't tend to keep track, but I think the ratio is something like good days:bad days::25:1. Give or take a couple. The point is, though, that my good days outnumber the bad by a landslide.

I make up for it, however, by being a gigantic pain in the ass on my off day, and it is during times like these that I. Need. My. Space. Goddamnit. I will find the people I need to talk to, the people I can vent to, and I will talk, and I will vent. That person may not always be you. That person may never be you. From you, I just need space and a little time. Trust me, I'll be fine. Within a day, I'll be back to my optimistic, sunny self, but for however long it takes, I will need my own personal me-time and I will need you to give me room to breathe, unless I seek you.

Tonight was just one of those nights. Everything RA-related just overwhelmed me during our Tuesday-night training, and frankly, I don't want to go into the details. I've already vented to Christine L (whom I love dearly), and just releasing all of that tension to another RA was all I needed from other people. Now, I just need space to decompress. I'll listen to angry music. I'll daydream. I'll be removed from others. And I'll be fine.

Oh, and I'll vent in my LJ as well, so you'll have advance warning of the Hanna Hurricane. Trust me, it'll blow over - one big storm and it's done and gone. You only have to really worry when the storm starts off as a light rain, and doesn't leave. Then it'll build up, it'll grow, and it'll destroy whatever is nearby. But don't worry - those are few and far between."

And THIS just serves as a reminder to those who think I have one and only one emotion. Do you get it, now?

"I hope I'm not coming off as selfish, but I'm trying damn hard to keep in contact with all of my friends, RA or not. So let me know whether or not this effort is even worth it, 'cause if it isn't to you, then it isn't to me."

Finally, THIS is to all of those who've ever complained that I don't talk to them anymore. For the most part, I'm fucking busy, but haven't you ever thought that I might not talk to you because you don't talk to me? My blog drops off p.n.n, and suddenly, no one reads it anymore (although I still regularly check the feed!). Relationships are give-give; comment on my blog, poke me on facebook, or drop me a line via AIM. I will respond.

In comparison

Comparing my first livejournal to my second, I was extremely downhearted throughout the latter. A lot of that probably had to do with my hopeless love situation, but some of it also had to do with my utter lack of self-esteem and self-love. I was so hard on myself last year, but that's an era that has come and gone, I hope. It's all water under the bridge, now.
And that's what amazes me. I have not a great deal of self-acceptance, but it's more than I had in years past. I think I'm coming to terms with myself, and my being. I'm accepting the flaws that I cannot change, and I'm embracing all the good. Those cracks that can be repaired are under reconstruction, and the rest is doing pretty damn well.
This, for me, is huge. For once in my life, I'm finding comfort in my own skin.

Almost done

I'd forgotten about the guy that practically ATE my neck in TJ, my first year. I made out with a guy in TJ my second year - I CAN'T forget that one.

At one point, I requested someone who could provide a good listen, not good advice. More often than not, I just want someone who will willingly listen to my rants. More often than not, I have the advice I need.
All I want is a little bit of your attention.

"+ Lessons I've Learned:
- Caffeine has no effect on me whatsoever. Nor does sugar. The only thing that gets me high is a sunny day, and the day is not very sunny at 5am of the day an essay is due.
- Crossing the border is ridiculously easy, and really not all that it's cracked up to be. Then again, I didn't come with with expectations. I honestly did not know how close I was going to be to the border when I got in. Yes, I'm a SoCal-er. Sorry, I don't often have reason to traipse through San Diego and onto Mexico.
- Making friends outside the dorm building is not only easy, but is also an incredible life-saver. If only I had recognized this before Spring Quarter.
- Being an OL is more fun than I had imagined, and is definitely the best thing I've done yet, here at school.
Plenty of others as well, but I can't remember them all.

+ Lessons I Need to Learn
- Not everyone has to like me, and I don't have to like everyone. I know this is true, I'm just having a tought time convincing myself.
- Do NOT leave a paper to the last minute, especially if you're relying on a good grade in the class. I'll never learn this lesson.
- Living on 5 hours of sleep is possible. Living on 5 hours of sleep is possible.
- Living with me when I've only had 5 hours of sleep is ill-advised. Let me warn you - if I've had a bad night's sleep, I will almost certainly have a bad day. Be warned, for your sake.
Plenty of others as well, but I choose to ignore them all.

I've changed, hopefully for the better, I've grown, I've fallen in love, I've lived with heartache, and I'm ready for it to end.
And yet I'm not. It's one more step toward the real world, one more step toward leaving my hopeless dreams and fantasies behind. One has already been shot down - college is not paradise. Oftentimes, it's hell on earth.
And it can be more rewarding than anything else I've ever been through.
At least, it'd better be. "

Wrote this at the end of first year. Writing has improved by leaps and bounds.

" SMOTHERED, SMOTHERED, SMOTHERED.
Being smothered in love and good intentions is just as painful being squeezed in a vice."

Brilliant. And about family, in case you couldn't tell.

"I have a deep-seated fondness for summer. I thrive in warm weather; I find that it matches my temperament almost exactly - sunny, warm, cheerful, but with an occasional two weeks of gloom and despair. The endlessly warm days, with laughter and loud music in the background, fading into the endlessly warm nights with boardwalk music as its soundtrack - summer is my time.
I never take full advantage of these glorious months of bliss.
Summer is whizzing by merrily, leaving me in a constantly stunned frame of mind. How many summers have I moaned through, complaining endlessly of boredom and lethargy? How many Augusts have I flown through with my feet planted firmly but fruitlessly (I see myself as digging my feet into air, trying to stop Time in her tracks, but being blown along helplessly. Time stops for no [wo]man, after all)? I should think I'd have learned by now to enjoy each summer, the season I always look towards with such anticipation, the season I always leave behind with regret. Why is it that, during summer, I never really appreciate its worth? I find myself complaining of heat, swearing under my breath at the warm summer sun I should be basking in. I find myself lethargic, letting my brain atrophy from disuse (though not so much this summer, actually - I've taken to haunting libraries, slaking my thirst for good books. I'm afraid a year in college left me completely desiccated, parched for diction, syntax, vocabulary! Yes, I am a bookworm) when I should be taking advantage of my free hours. Ah, summer! How I abuse you! And how I shall miss you, and long for you, only to abuse you once again. But perhaps, next year, I will fully enjoy the brief time we'll share and leave in its wake happy memories that shall leave me sated until you roll around once more."

Yep. I'm still as summery as ever. And that was a pretty fine piece of writing.

"Interestingly enough, Sixth was one of my last choices when applying to UCSD. Eleanor Roosevelt was my first choice, but I don't remember the rest of the order. When I learned that I was accepted into Sixth College, my first reaction was "wha...?!?" since all I knew about Sixth was Culture, Art, and Technology. But then I went to Admit Day, fell in love, and have blessed the men and women who handle applications with all my heart.
I wonder how they decide who goes where. Perhaps they have six pigeons, and whichever pigeon craps on the application decides which college the student enters. But wait, no, my friend got into her college of choice, so that can't be. Well, no matter the method, they seem to know what they're doing.
I hope they don't use pigeons. Domesticated flying rodents, pigeons are! (I sound like Yoda...) Have you ever driven through a flock of pigeons? They don't move until the last minute, and when they finally do, they waddle their fat asses out of the way with a "I'm-doing-this-because-I-want-to-you-know" type of attitude, all nonchalant in the face of a crunchy death. Either that, or they'll squack indignantly, as if you just tresspassed on their territory and smushed some prized ants or something.
Ugh. Pigeons."

Ha. Oh, my experience with pigeons. It's an ongoing war. (This was the summer before second year started; I had another frazzling encounter with the beasts later in the school year.)
I'm copying larger chunks, which means I've become a better writer, and I've begun expounding on life lessons that would continue to elude me for years to come.

Alrighty. I finished re-reading my first livejournal. Wow. What a long walk down memory lane, that ended up being.
I like doing this every now and then. It's just nice, reading how I'd felt during certain crucial points of my life. I just covered about 3 years of my life, and I'd forgotten some events, and hadn't remembered others as clearly. Re-reading just kind of shows where I'm coming from, the ways I've changed, and what will always remain the same.

Still reminiscing

I'd forgotten about the fainting spell in Washington! That was painful.
I hadn't forgotten about the heartache, though. I'm over it, and have been for a while now, but it's still going to be a while before I'll want to put my heart through something like that again.
Not that I have any actual say in the matter, since my heart doesn't take into consideration all the past pain when it's caught up in someone new. I wish it had a better memory; I sure as hell do, but nothing my brain says registers.
By this time, my writing style had improved drastically.

"So, since all I ever seem to do in this thing is bitch about my (non-existant) love life, I want to take the time to stop complaining and say what's really important:
I LOVE YOU ALL. All my friends who read this stupid shit and respond about it, all my friends who talk to me when I need someone to talk and listen to me when I need someone to listen. I love you all. My world would be a living hell if I didn't have people like you to brighten my day.
There are also so many little things about life that I love, but I never seem to have any time to stop and smell the roses these days. But just waking up and seeing the sun shine in a clear blue sky, with a cooling breeze ruffling my hair as I walk and laugh with my friends is so wonderful. Eating a pint of ice cream with no guilt whatsoever (although I probably do that too many times...) is a little bit of heaven in a cardboard container. Staying up late for no damn good reason except to just talk and enjoy the night is incredibly relaxing. Tiring in the morning, but relaxing.
And just knowing that I'm loved, hearing people say "I love you" to me... that's got to be the greatest feeling in the world.
So: Thank you, and I love you. "

And this is why I can't accept anything less from new friends, because I have so many AMAZING friends of old.

"Isn't it amazing how fast time flies? It seems only yesterday that I was celebrating the New Year with my family; now, it's already March 17. Winter quarter is coming to an end, and my first year of college is 2/3 over. I still don't really feel like a college student, but then again, what is a college student supposed to feel like? Superior, because she's getting a higher education? Cowed by the possibilities life is throwing in her face? Do you really feel any older with every year that passes? For me, I don't think there's much of a difference, years wise. I've grown up, yes, but it's not like with every year that's passed I felt a little grayer. I've grown up, but I'm not a grown up, and I won't be for a while. So who am I to judge whether or not I feel college-y or not?"

That was pretty genius for a freshman in college.
Haha, I keep pumping myself full of arrogant compliments, and I LOVE it.

"So here's the extended rant I meant to post regarding Thuy and me declaring that we no longer felt the need to be independent. I mean, don't get me wrong - I don't mean that I want to become a pampered, spoiled, trophy girlfriend. No, I'm just tired of being single. I LOVE being independent and taking care of my own self (though I don't really do that these days, either. I love my parents). And I can't take the idea of being a submissive, obedient girlfriend, ready to do whatever her boyfriend's whims call for. No, I want a man - not a BOY, but a MAN - who will accept my independent state of mind and love me for it, someone who's willing to protect me when I admit that I might need it, and will be there for me even if I'm being my usual stubborn self and refuse to admit to anything. And will know that I still need it, even if I'm not admitting it.
But mainly, I just want someone there. However, I refuse to settle for just anything. No, I'm sick of the dating game even before I ever start dating, which is why I want a MAN, not a boy.
After 18 years of being single, I'm quite ready to give up that title. Now if only I can find someone worth giving it up for. "

Not genius-worthy, but a good sentiment. I've gone from "BITCH, PLEASE - I don't need a man!" to "GodDAMN why am I still single?" and back, and... well, I don't know what to say about that, really. I don't know where I am right this moment, but it should be relieving to know that, wherever it may be, I've been there before.
Now THAT is genius. :D

Wow. I was RIDICULOUSLY in love with him

"I really, really wish that I could just come to terms with the fact that not everyone in the world will like me and want to be my friend. All of the girls in my suite are pretty close and friendly, but we all have our own special friend/friends. And just because some of them like each other more than they like me, it doesn't mean that I'm not liked. In fact, it is perfectly alright for them to be close friends with each other. They are not obligated to like me, nor I them.
Now if I could believe that, that'd be great."

I really should start taking my own advice.

"All of the dateless people gathered together during the slow songs, swaying side to side in a large circle of single-awareness. I made light of our situation, suggesting to standerbys that they take in the sight, enjoying the rare gathering of such beautiful and available people."

Me, at my best. That's amazing - I wish I could remember doing that.

" People keep asking me why I'm sad.
Do I really seem that unhappy? I suppose the sad love songs moonlighting as my away messages and the endless rants in my weblogs don't do anything to prove otherwise.
Really, you must understand - I'm generally quite happy with life. The only reason why my blogs are so full of weepy sap is because I only put the bad into them. You can easily find someone to talk to when you're happy because people generally like being near happy people. Happiness exudes warmth and light, and it touches everyone around you. You can't help but feel a little bit lighter after being near a genuinely happy person.
Nothing listens better than a weblog when you're sad, however. People don't really enjoy listening to others when they're down. Just like happiness, sadness can engulf passerbys easily. The difference, however, is that people generally don't enjoy it. They're sucked into a whirl of emotions; the other person's feelings can easily overwhelm and drown innocents.
Sure, people feel obliged to help others when they're down. But can you truly say that you enjoy it? The end result is enjoyable - a comforting hug, kind words, and maybe even a broken smile. But getting there is simply unpleasant.
That's why I pour those feelings in here - I release pent-up emotions without harming others in the process. And if I do happen to accidentally suck anyone in, well it isn't without warning. That's the beauty of these things - I can rant and others don't have to listen. The weblog does it for me.
The problem is that these things become one-dimensional when they're supposed to reflect a multi-faceted personality.
That's where informational rants like this one comes in handy.
Yes, I am happy.
Yes, I am sad.
Yes, I am human."

More genius.

Revisiting the past

Still wading my way through the blogs.

"I am: Insane. Also known as Hanna.
I want: to be myself, whoever that may be.
I have: the ability to laugh at myself.
I wish: for world peace!
I hate: onions, arrogant and disrespectful people, and my skin.
I miss: being naive. Ignorance was bliss.
I fear: spiders and loneliness.
I hear: so many voices telling me what to be that my own voice is drowned.
I search: my soul. And for my common sense...
I wonder: if I'll ever find true love-if it exists, that is.
I love: my family, my friends, animals, a clear, sunny day, a good breeze, bright colors, chocolate, cheese, and ice cream.
I always: arrive on time!!! Punctuality is a plus.
I never: pay attention in Stats or apologize for myself, even when I should. Too damn proud...
I dance: whenever the hell I want to!
I sing: whenever the hell I want to!
I cry: when I'm alone
I am not always: honest with myself.
I write: what I feel, what I can't say out loud.
I win: when I try.
I confuse: what I want with what people want from me.
I need: more self-love. I have none.
I should: exercise more. I need more energy!"

Also written during senior year. Still pretty true to myself, I think.

"You do not have the right to laugh at other people's expense unless they are laughing at themselves. Seriously, how horrible would it be if someone tripped and fell, and everyone was laughing at him/her, but he/she wasn't laughing? That'd just be cruel, and imagine how the poor guy/girl would feel. This is why I take pride in being able to laugh at myself-I don't CARE whether or not you laugh at me, 'cause I don't think it matters. I can laugh at myself, which means that if you laugh at me, whether you're mocking me or not, it doesn't matter because I don't care. So if I do something stupid, laugh at me all you want, 'cause I'll stand up and laugh at me too. 'Cause I know that I won't remember in a few years, and if I do remember, I won't care. But some people are a lot more sensitive than I am, and if they aren't laughing at themselves, or they are but they don't look like they mean it, don't laugh at them. That's cruel. Just 'cause you can laugh at yourself doesn't mean other people can laugh at themselves. And do you really want to hurt other people's feelings? Do they not mean anything at all?
I realize that I've laughed at other people's expense many times, and I'm sorry. I realize that its hurtful, I know that. Especially if you're laughing on the outside, but on the inside really feeling a lot of pain.
Sticks and stones can only break bones. Words can shatter the soul.
Love Hanna"

Wrote THAT too. And it also still holds true.
Maybe I was brighter than I gave myself credit for. I wish I could go back and hug this Hanna. If I knew then that I was going to reread all of this stuff a few years later, and be proud for thinking this way, I would have had a lot more REAL confidence in myself. Oh well - better late than never.

" Don't hate me because I have a voice that I'm not afraid to use."

Okay... I was bad-ass. :D
And wow! I was really disappointed with being admitted to Sixth College. Ha, if I only knew! I should be the poster child for Sixth - I didn't even want to come here originally, and I just absolutely fell in love once I gave it a chance.
Haha, I'd forgotten how my friend had been the President (in name) of our chapter of CSF, but I was the actual President (in work), though I was technically the Senior Rep.
OH MY GOD, DAARSTAD'S LEGS!

"Question for today:
You'd think that love, true, meaningful love, should be wondrous, miraculous even. So, why is it that Love's shadow is Pain and Confusion?

My own answer:
Because being in love makes you vulnerable in the worst way. I've found, in my own experience, that it is far easier to really hurt me if you're someone I care about. If I don't like you, then why should I care what you think? But if you're someone I love, you have a great deal of power over me. Fortunately I have wonderful friends who don't use it to hurt me, but to make me a better person. (Awww, Hanna's spewing sap...)

I think that's why I'm so afraid of opening myself up to love. I mean, I'm a die-hard romantic, and I'm in love with the idea of romance and love. But I'm scared of it as well. I hate being vulnerable, and putting myself in a situation where a single person has the power to make or break my hear-well, that's frightening. Of course, there are all the blessings that comes with love as well, but it comes down to whether you want to risk breaking your heart for the greatest miracle on earth, or protect your heart from any and all pain by blocking out love.
Choices, choices."

That's it. I was a fucking genius.

"Question of the Day:
What propels you forward, what makes you look forward to another day?

My answer:
I'd hate to die young. I really would. I'd hate not knowing what potential I might have fulfilled, I'd hate not knowing where life would take me or where I would take my life. But most of all, I'd hate leaving things unfinished. There's a lot that I look forward to doing, no matter how small the accomplishment may seem. I don't want to die without having had a goal and achieving it. So far, that goal is to be truly happy with myself and with my life. I personally don't think I've really lived yet, and I'm not ready to go until I have. That's why I get up every day."

A. FUCKING. GENIUS.

Bah. I was an RA in the making since my first day of college. Forgot about that, and about the Secret Santa I organized...

Oh, the pain!

I'm in the process of re-reading my older blogs, and MY GOD, the pain! My language, my style - it's all excruciating.
Currently, I'm at the start of the blog that took me from the end of junior year of high school (which explains the infantile writing) through... the middle of second year of college.
At the blog's moment of creation, i wrote like this cuz i thought it was soooo cool! with luv and happiness! ^.^
Sickening, isn't it? It hurts to re-read this, but at the same time, I'm reliving memories that I'd misplaced and forgotten. Dusty, aged memories, from 4 years back. The earlier posts that I'm slogging through (I'm re-reading blogs and writing this post at the same time), during junior year, mostly revolve around KIWIN'S. I forgot what a huge deal it was to me (oh no, my style is fading! I'm reverting back to my 16-year-old self!), and why it left me burned out. I wrote about it not too long ago, though, so I won't reiterate here (scroll down to the picture of me to read said previous entry). I will say, however, that I'm incredibly disappointed that I never kept in touch with these friends I made. :[ Hmm... perhaps I should facebook-stalk them.
Found one that I wasn't friends with already! Let's see if she remembers me. :]
Wow. I've faced my insecurities since senior year of high school, but it's only now that I'm mature enough to do something about it. Don't get me wrong, I'm still insecure. But I'm just the tiniest bit more accepting of myself. I love myself a little more. I treat myself better. That sort of thing.
Glad to see that I've grown at least a little bit.
Oh GOD. I'd forgotten about Alan.
HA! Just re-read the post I'd written when I found out I'd gotten into UCSD. I could not sound less enthused about being a Sixth student, and now look at me. :D
Oh damn. I forgot about that epic fight with my mom and Susie. Wow. Sometimes, I honestly hate my family.

"HURRAH FOR SINGLE PEOPLE!
So, who else here is single and lovin' it? Did you guys know that I managed to go through all of my grade school career single? I remember back when all I looked forward to was checking out hot guys and looking for boyfriend material in all of them. Then I realized just how problematic relationships are at this age, and said, fuck it. I'm staying single. And I love single-dom too! Seriously, being free to do anything just to please myself, and not anyone else is really liberating. If I feel the need to impress anybody, it's me that I want to impress, and no one else. It's a great state of mind.
Love Hanna"

Wrote that toward the end of senior year. Ha, I guess I was pretty smart after all.