Hay Fever

I need to GET. THE. HELL. OUT! of San Diego. For a variety of reasons, mostly personal (it's not you, SD. It's me) I have been feeling too tied up and too tied down. I'm getting this overwhelming sensation of claustrophobia - the streets are too familiar, the people are too similar, and frankly, I'm bored. My job doesn't challenge me. My SCSC positions keep me busy, and for that I am incredibly thankful, but it's about the only excitement I have going for me at the moment. My classes haven't been as taxing as I thought they'd be - for all that midterms just passed (though I actually still have one coming up), I'm not nearly as stressed as I should be.

My best friend hides in her room, away from me.

[Note: I removed a portion of this post, after deciding that I'd rather have her hear my complaints from me in person - though who knows when we'll next talk. For all that we live with one another, we don't speak very often.]

My best college friends gad around town without inviting me along. My RA friends and I are friends no longer, since they're RAs and beyond contacting me for nights out. My SCSC compatriots and I aren't so much friends as we are friendly colleagues. My #sdcolleges friends don't talk to me, unless I step into their territory, a place where I feel distinctly and unpleasantly different.

I need to meet new people. I need to build new relationships. I need new scenery, I need to hit new streets. I need new friends, who won't freak out when I get sad or angry. The old friends are good, but I'm slowly beginning to realize that they aren't great. That I can't be in any type of relationship where I'm the emotional bolster, without any sort of support in return.

I'm so unhappy at the moment - unhappy with my surroundings (my apartment isn't close to feeling like home), unhappy with my city (I don't feel like I can call it mine), unhappy with my friends, unhappy with my job. It isn't as though I haven't tried - I've applied for different jobs, I've done a whole slew of extracurriculars in an effort to get involved and meet new people at the same time. I've toured SD fairly extensively, and I do enjoy the city. I just don't love it. It isn't large enough for me, anymore.

I need new. I need unknown. I need to throw myself into challenges, into my life's work. And mostly, I need OUT.

But for now, I'll settle for venting.