Now that I've stopped hyperventilating...

Before I write anything else, let me first say that I understand that the people involved in this... affair had the best of intentions. I do appreciate that you (and you two especially know who I'm referring to) cared enough about me to try and push me beyond my comfort levels for the sake of my own good. I really and genuinely appreciate your good intentions.

However. If you all got the sense that I hustled Jess out of the party, it's because I DID. Why? Because if I stayed any longer, I was going to hurl. To quote from my personal journal - "I had to try VERY hard to not erupt in anger, hysteria, and vomit."

The issue raised tonight is one very near and dear to my heart (pun not intended) - and frankly, I don't like dissecting my emotions, my psyche, and my intense fears so openly, in front of a crowd of people that included several people that I'm just not close to. The previous post made clear that I have trust issues. To not violate my trust means to not slice me up and turn me inside out, for the viewing pleasure of anyone and everyone in that living room. Never have I felt more uncomfortable in that house than I did earlier today.

Did it seem like I was laughing a little too loudly? That I made too many crude jokes? That I was actively trying to change the subject?

Good. You noticed something.

I suppose you just don't know me well enough to realize that this wasn't merely beyond my comfort level. I'm actually shaking as I type this, I was so... distressed. It goes back to those masks that I also referred to in the previous post - I should probably have stopped all lines of inquiry and all attempts at group therapy before they got as out of hand as they did.

And by group therapy, again I quote myself - "I was in therapy and the group was trying to "therapy" me." Not a pleasant experience.

I don't care if you're comfortable with discussing some of your touchiest emotions publicly - I am not. I contributed more personal information with the group tonight than I truly intended to, if only to make my point clear, and I now regret it. It certainly didn't put an end to anything, and it only made me more uncomfortable.

Again. I do love the both of you for trying to do something for my own good. If anything, I know more than ever that you really do care for me and my well-being. But how does the saying go? The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Please, please, please do not EVER put me in such a situation again. I BEG of you. Should such a situation arise again, at least draw me aside and ask if I would be comfortable talking about X with you in private. Even then, I may in all probability say no. I thank you for sharing your experiences with me, and pushing me to address my problems and conquer my fears - but I need to do it in my own time, and I am trying. Trust me, I've known me longer than you have, and I've lived with my issues my entire life. It's me that I have to put first, in this instance. Either you let me do what feels right for me, or you leave me alone.

I apologize if this comes off as condescending or rude. I don't mean to insult or hurt any of you. But I was very nearly insulted and hurt tonight, and I know you didn't mean that to happen. I need to explain myself, now that people are reading this blog again, so that it doesn't happen again.

Yum, crow!

It's a double-header, fans!

Or, well... a triple-header? I mean, it's technically Friday, but my obligatory weather-post wasn't posted so many hours ago.

Note to self: stop with the inane rambling - it helps no one, and only makes you look even crazier than normal. Err. Crazy? Crazier than crazy?
*repeats note to self*

Right. I meant to harp on this a couple of days ago, in fact, but never got around to it until now. I mentioned a few posts back that Rushi and I had a most epic conversation during the afterglow of Sheenika's birthday party; it was clear that he never truly understood why I had left the channel. He was of the opinion that I should have stuck it through and whipped the channel into social shape. He thought that I, as a caring friend, erred in leaving, though he did state that my reasoning was sound.
He did not take into consideration that, at that point in time, I was so resentful of everyone and everything having to do with #sdcolleges that I had quite positively washed my hands of the lot of them - not any one person in particular, but ALL of them - and that I'd be damned if I stuck around for another minute.
In other words - I was no longer a caring friend. Frankly, my dears, I didn't give a flying fuck about your existence, especially since it was obvious you cared very little for mine.
For a solid year, I kept my distance from this group of people - I had my feed removed from p.n.n, I removed myself from the social gatherings, and I maintained very little contact with most of the group - and very, very few of them attempted to keep in contact with me. Outside of chance encounters, my dealings with the group were very few.
But throughout the summer, and especially over the last month, I took to visiting Playmor with Steph and, as I've mentioned before, was pleasantly surprised by how enjoyable each experience was. And in the conversation with Rushi, and after consulting a couple of others, I hesitantly hinted that I might return to the channel.
Then, a few days ago, I dipped my toe into the CS-infested waters once more. I wanted to check in on Daniel, who had been violently ill earlier that morning/the night before (drunken debauchery occurred Tuesday evening/Wednesdy morning), but was effectively dragged into deeper waters by conversation with old friends and general channel antics (and oh my, I'm making a water analogy... regarding the channel... really, I crack myself up).
So, to sum up: I am frequenting the #sdcolleges pool once more. This time, however, I'll be playing a much different role. I won't be pulled into the deep end, with no way out; I refuse to play lifeguard, monitoring people's activities and breathing life into CS-drowned lungs. Instead, I'll be sitting at the edge of the pool, dipping in every now and then, but generally just relaxing on the outskirts.
In other words - I won't spend 24/7 in #sdcolleges, as I did a year ago (last night was a fluke. I forgot to turn my laptop off, when I went to bed). It's too likely that I'll start hating everyone again, if I do - plus, I'll get all raisin-y.
I don't want to crack any sort of whip, as Rushi suggested. I will pop in often, however, as I have nothing against bringing a new (yet old) flavor.
Plus, I kind of missed the eccentricities associated with this crowd. :D

listening to: "You rock my world" - Michael Jackson