On feeling wild, restless, insecure, and a whole host of other unpleasant things

When I was in the seventh grade, a bird flew into my science class. We were all screaming like idiots, because the bird kept on flying dangerously close to our heads. Eventually the bird found its way out of the room (I vaguely recall someone shooing the bird out after it had landed on a chair), but not after it had hurled itself bodily at all the windows.

My heart feels a little like that bird, trapped in a room and throwing myself futilely at the windows. The problem here, however, is that I am both the bird and the room. I'm trying so hard to be free of myself, to the point of inflicting pain upon my person, but I can't just fly out. There are no open windows, no open doors, no twelve year old showing me the way out. I'm raging inside myself and it's breaking my heart.

I can't fully express what it is that I want, either. I can't free myself from myself, because so much of what has made me is inescapable – and I wouldn't want to escape it. I want to face it head on, and let myself heal. I want to know where I've been, but I don't want to be here anymore.

I'm restless, I'm dying to be free of this strange incongruity between myself and me. I don't know how to connect who I am with what I want to be.

And I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I can't find the words to express what I'm feeling, what I want, what I fear. I feel wild inside, and not in the "girls gone wild" sense, but in the "wild and wounded animal" sense. Wild, wounded, and searching frantically for a place free of hurt and pain. While trapped. Inside myself.

My mind is a helluva place to be at this moment.

On falling in love

People talk about being afraid that they'll never find their better half, their soul-mate, their match. Me, on the other hand? I'm afraid I will, and I'm afraid of what will happen after. All my life I've depended on two things - me, and being hurt by men (and as a result, I've become a bit of a misanthropist). So what happens when I no longer have that grudge to carry? I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

I don't know how to be happy with someone. To me, it's a foreign concept, uncharted waters, and what-have-you. It's unknown, and I'm afraid of the unknown.

The statement "I'm afraid of being happy with someone" sounds absurd, and perhaps it is. But not all fears are rational. And what's so absurd about being afraid of the unknown?

What's so great about love, anyway?

"If love's so great, why do you fall into it? You fall into a puddle. You fall into the mud. You fall into the abyss.
"It is not very promising company."

No, it isn't. It's an act of insanity.

Isn't it ironic?

Taylor and I were chatting about deal-breakers during dinner earlier tonight, and we discovered that we have plenty in common.

Later in the evening, I remembered another one: social ineptitude.

I was reminded of this when I could come up with no good reason for a text message I'd received earlier in the day; Taylor kindly reminded me that guys have a tendency to be stupid. While I agreed, I didn't think that it was the reasoning behind this message.

I was at my friends' house, watching "Grey's Anatomy" and discussing relationships (which inevitably happens while watching "Grey's"), when I mentioned the text. My friend turned and looked at me and said, "He's a social idiot! There's nothing you can do about that."

Lightbulb.

I can't take social idiocy, nor do I have the patience to try and fix it - if they're even willing to consider their ineptitude an issue. Most won't.

So there it is - I knew something had to be wrong with him. He's interested in me, after all, and I seem to attract social idiots by the swarms.

I'll still talk to him, I'll still hang out with him, but as far as I'm concerned, there is no dating potential there whatsoever.

Probably a good thing I'd still rather be single.

Disappearing act

Hey... if a certain number of you don't see me around, in either virtual or actual reality, don't worry. I'm neither dead nor missing, I'm just... retreating from this particular social scene for a little while. I need a little time to myself, and a lot of time to spend with certain friends who, frankly, completely understand me and my current state of mind and empathize with a lot of the issues that I'm attempting to sort through now.

I need to come to terms with my parents' relationship and my own bad experiences, in my own way and under my own terms. I've accepted that, while I can't do this alone, I can and have chosen to be with people who have been through similar experiences and have had similar thoughts. They'll let me work through things at my own pace, and they'll provide exactly the type of help I need without my having to explain a thing. They'll just know. They won't advise; instead, they'll commiserate. They won't lecture; instead, they'll share. And, perhaps most important of all, they won't try to cheer me up or force upon me a falsely positive point of view. They'll let me sink my teeth into the problem and deal with it once and for all, and if that involves suffering from mild depression for a little while, then that's fine. It's an emotion that I need to experience and understand before I am able to move on, and they'll let me. They won't force me to jump back into the pool because they know that's not going to help. They won't be irritated with me for being anything less than happy, because they don't hold me to that unrealistic expectation.

I need to be sad for a little while. It means I'm facing reality.

For the longest time

For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted to get married, have three children, and live the happy home life I didn't truly have. I always wondered why both of my older sisters wanted neither marriage nor children of their own; I thought it was bizarre and wrong that two women would not want that typical, sugar-sweet family life.

It hit me only recently that perhaps they responded to our home life differently than I did. All three of us were under great pressure growing up, and it didn't help that my parents' loveless marriage frequently led to violently angry arguments. Psychology argues that the three of us should have grown up to be complete and utter messes, drug-addicts or alcoholics. Instead, we've all had varying degrees of success in our lives.

The experience still scarred us all deeply, however. I grew up idolizing happy marriages and promising myself that my children would never suffer as I did. My sisters, on the other hand, shunned marriage and children for themselves. Again, I found this mindset foreign to my way of thinking, and to America's way of thinking as a whole.

But now, I look at their beliefs with a little more clarity. My solution to the unhappiness of our home was to build a better one for the future; my sisters' solutions appeared to rely on not ever taking the risk of building one for themselves. My parents' relationship nurtured in me a painfully intense desire for true love; my sisters appear to avoid repeating the same mistakes by avoiding marriage.

The eldest of us three, however, is the only one to have actually committed herself to relationships (as far as I know. I don't think S. has been in a relationship with anyone, but I could be wrong). Her current relationship is, in my eyes, truly something special. For as long as I've been alive, J. has always had to look after me (and believe me, I was NOT easy to handle) and bear the burden of being an adult when she should have been enjoying her youth. But with her boyfriend, she doesn't have to carry the all responsibilities on her own shoulders; her boyfriend knows what it's like to be the product of a torn household as well as being the eldest of three. He is, in almost every respect, her perfect partner, and I have never seen her happier in my 22 years (on October 13!) of life. They've made living a shared life while still retaining independence and their individual personalities look disgustingly easy. Yet she still refuses to consider marriage, and I can't help but believe that this mindset is one of the scars left on her by her experiences. Our shared experiences.

J. is six years older than me. If I can remember the shouting, the throwing of dishes, the driving off in cars, then what does she remember? What does S. remember?

Not much good, it's safe to say.

I bring this up because only yesterday, Fadiya and I were discussing how we used to think that the idea of not wanting to get married was freakish and abnormal. We talked about how we, as little girls, wanted to grow up and get married. Then, we grew up. We grew up paranoid, suspicious, mistrustful. We grew up scarred, scared. We grew up afraid to love and be loved. And our childish conceptions of love changed, our ideas of marriage changed. Suddenly, I understand that one good marriage will not automatically undo the mess left by one horrible marriage. Suddenly, I wonder whether or not I'm even capable of maintaining a relationship at all, in any shape or form. I'm a self-diagnosed Avoidant, and though I turned out well enough by societal standards, I'm still carrying a lot of baggage as a result of my childhood. I may have to rewrite my own assumptions of what I wanted as a kid, because as a pseudo-adult, my childhood aspirations are far from what I want now.

I dreamed big, as a kid.

Now that I've stopped hyperventilating...

Before I write anything else, let me first say that I understand that the people involved in this... affair had the best of intentions. I do appreciate that you (and you two especially know who I'm referring to) cared enough about me to try and push me beyond my comfort levels for the sake of my own good. I really and genuinely appreciate your good intentions.

However. If you all got the sense that I hustled Jess out of the party, it's because I DID. Why? Because if I stayed any longer, I was going to hurl. To quote from my personal journal - "I had to try VERY hard to not erupt in anger, hysteria, and vomit."

The issue raised tonight is one very near and dear to my heart (pun not intended) - and frankly, I don't like dissecting my emotions, my psyche, and my intense fears so openly, in front of a crowd of people that included several people that I'm just not close to. The previous post made clear that I have trust issues. To not violate my trust means to not slice me up and turn me inside out, for the viewing pleasure of anyone and everyone in that living room. Never have I felt more uncomfortable in that house than I did earlier today.

Did it seem like I was laughing a little too loudly? That I made too many crude jokes? That I was actively trying to change the subject?

Good. You noticed something.

I suppose you just don't know me well enough to realize that this wasn't merely beyond my comfort level. I'm actually shaking as I type this, I was so... distressed. It goes back to those masks that I also referred to in the previous post - I should probably have stopped all lines of inquiry and all attempts at group therapy before they got as out of hand as they did.

And by group therapy, again I quote myself - "I was in therapy and the group was trying to "therapy" me." Not a pleasant experience.

I don't care if you're comfortable with discussing some of your touchiest emotions publicly - I am not. I contributed more personal information with the group tonight than I truly intended to, if only to make my point clear, and I now regret it. It certainly didn't put an end to anything, and it only made me more uncomfortable.

Again. I do love the both of you for trying to do something for my own good. If anything, I know more than ever that you really do care for me and my well-being. But how does the saying go? The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Please, please, please do not EVER put me in such a situation again. I BEG of you. Should such a situation arise again, at least draw me aside and ask if I would be comfortable talking about X with you in private. Even then, I may in all probability say no. I thank you for sharing your experiences with me, and pushing me to address my problems and conquer my fears - but I need to do it in my own time, and I am trying. Trust me, I've known me longer than you have, and I've lived with my issues my entire life. It's me that I have to put first, in this instance. Either you let me do what feels right for me, or you leave me alone.

I apologize if this comes off as condescending or rude. I don't mean to insult or hurt any of you. But I was very nearly insulted and hurt tonight, and I know you didn't mean that to happen. I need to explain myself, now that people are reading this blog again, so that it doesn't happen again.

Am I hard to please?

Am I hard to please?

In a word? Very.

Let's face the facts:

1. I'm complicated. My moods shift constantly, and are easily affected by a word, a change in the weather, a book, and so forth. For the most part, I come off as optimistic and cheerful, but often enough, the cheer and optimism mask my true feelings. I care deeply what other people think, and if I think that they want me to happy and outgoing, then I'll do the best that I can do be that person. What can I say - I'm a people-pleaser. Unfortunately, this usually means that when a burst of temper or depression breaks through the mask, the people are taken entirely by surprise and are none too pleased.

I'm making an honest effort to be more true to myself and to my feelings and emotions as they occur. I firmly believe that people cannot truly know and love me if I continue disguising myself for their own benefit. It's a lie, and lies are no foundation for a relationship.

So yes - I'm complicated. Mercurial, even. That's just me.

2. I'm emotional. Sometimes in the stereotypical way, but mostly, I mean that I feel emotions very strongly. I feed off of the energies of the people around me; if they're down, then I'm down. My highs are truly incredible, however. When I'm feeling the good vibrations, it'll take some monumental effort to bring me back down.

Again, this reflects the up-and-down nature of my moods. I feel emotions strongly and and am affected by them so quickly it'll make your head spin.

3. I'm distant. I have quite a few acquaintances, but very few close friends. Let's face it - I have trust issues, rooted deep in my past. Don't expect me to trust you and call you a best friend within months. Instead, think more along the lines of years. People have to see me through a lot of thin before they earn my trust.

And even then, it takes a lot to get me to sob on their shoulders. As much as I feel emotion, I don't like showing them, particularly the more negative ones. I'll gladly show frustration and irritation - as long as its over some little thing (such as TWCSD not providing me with internet for several weeks). If it relates to a person in my life, or some important circumstance, I'll be very circumspect. Even more so if I'm hurt - I hate, hate, HATE crying in front of people. It's a weakness that I refuse to show.

4. I reclusive. My friends, especially those that I talk to more often on the internet than I do in person, often note that I retreat from my social life for extended periods at a time - usually during the early summer months. I need that time to recharge, recuperate, and reflect. I do a lot of journaling and thinking during that period, whether it revolves around sorting through yet another mangled love affair or addressing concerns over my future.

I think this happens during early summer because it's right around the end of a school year. A lot happens over the course of a school year, and I'll generally need some time to look over what happened (and sometimes, what didn't) and to make some sense of how I feel. I'm no longer in school, but it'll still happen, whether it occurs at the end of something important, or if I'm simply feeling swamped by life at large.

5. I'm pissing-in-my-pants terrified of love. I've addressed this topic time and time again because of just how hugely this fear factors into my life. I've yet to commit to a real relationship with someone because I'm simply too scared to give so much of myself to another person. It goes back to the trust issues, and my family life.

Also (and this can't be denied), I've set my standards pretty damn high. Many of these standards aren't exactly tangible - I can't set a list in stone like I used to do back in the seventh grade. I refuse to set my standards any lower because I feel absolutely no need to settle for someone. Not with my fears, not with my experiences, do I plan on just resigning myself to someone who isn't quite right. I would rather spend my entire life single than settle; I refuse to be my mother.

Yes, that scares people off. So what? I didn't want them anyway. If they can't see past the complications, the masks, the distance, and the space, and into the heart that truly is capable of the biggest and greatest love, then they aren't worth it. If they aren't patient enough to work through my fears, and to realize that I want to work through them too, then they aren't man enough.

Because I will fight the fears. I will compromise, though I will never compromise my absolute standards. I will be everything that I can and do everything that I can do, short of sacrificing myself. Because love isn't about sacrificing yourself, your being, your you-ness for someone else. It's about loving that someone completely and truly because of all the things that make that person special and unique - even if it does mean putting up with some kooks and quirks.

I won't settle for anything less.

It's what I've always wanted!

Apparently, there is another Tropical Storm Hanna headed toward the East Coast.

Not one, but TWO tropical storms have now been named Hanna (there was one in 2002, according to Wikipedia.

I love sharing my name with raging storms.

On being alone, but not lonely

I've discovered a breed of people just like me, known as Quirkyalones; I am a person who "enjoys being single (but is not opposed to being in a relationship) and generally prefers to be alone rather than dating for the sake of being in a couple."

This is, almost word-for-word, my mantra when it comes to love and relationships. I've gone through the "fuck love!" phase to the "I need love!" phase, and finally struck a happy medium with my heart - something that people worldwide have apparently embraced.

My Quirkyalone quiz results:
How quirkyalone are you?
Your score was 110. Very quirkyalone:
Relatives may give you quizzical looks, and so may friends, but you know in your heart of hearts that you are following your inner voice. Though you may not be romancing a single person, you are romancing the world. Celebrate your freedom on National Quirkyalone Day, February 14th!

"Romancing the world" - I like that. Treating the world like a lover - lavishing it with attention, taking good care of it - sounds like a good plan to me. Better alone, and in love with the world, than in an unhappy relationship just to be half of a pair. Better to be entirely myself, than part of a whole.

Auld lang syne

What the hell does that mean, anyway - "auld lang syne"? Someone, explain that phrase to me.

In the meantime, it's a brand new year and I have a few brand-new resolutions. I have to write these down, else I'll be lulled into forgetfulness - which marks the beginning of my list.

1. I'd like to work on being a bit less absentminded. I keep a countless number of lists, I file my life into neat folders and notebooks, and I have at least 3 calendars - yet I still managed to be a complete and utter ditz at incredibly inopportune moments. I don't quite know how to cure this problem of mine, but I intend to work on it this year.

2. Graduate with straight As in the final quarters of my college career. I'm dragging my GPA up a point at a time, but by God it's going up.

3. Save money. I'm broke.

4. Drink more water - I turn too quickly to soda and coffee (face it - they taste better than water. They taste like something, for one. All that sugar in soda and caffeine in coffee (no sugar, just non-fat milk!) is terribly unhealthy, though, so this is the first of my health-related resolutions.

5. As healthy as I may be, I could be healthier, and part of that inevitable requires exercise. *sigh* I'm incredibly lazy - I don't even walk to the mall to get on the bus for school, and it's right across the street! Ridiculous. So, in order to ramp up my routine and get into the best shape of my life since I was in elementary school, I'm going to take up jogging. I also plan on bringing my bike down to San Diego, when I get the chance.

6. I'd like to intern at newsstations during my last quarters as well, and hopefully I'll have a job offer when I'm a graduate. I want to work for a year, to save money (see resolution 3), then get into a good grad school, such as NYU, Columbia, Berkeley, or Boston - all schools with top journalism programs.

7. Finally - I need to stp blaming my family for all the pain and heartache I've suffered throughout my 21 years and some odd months of life. It's not fair, that I was the child of a loveless, unhealthy marriage. It's not fair, that my mother should choose to reveal details of her unhappy 28 years of matrimony, which she stuck with for the sake of her children. I shouldn't have to know this.

But, I do. I also know that life is unfair, and that's that. I can't continue life the way I've lived it all these years, afraid of attachments, for fear of the pain it may bring me. I know that part of it is the lifestyle I was raised in, but I can't let the past affect my future this badly. There are some memories that I've only begun recalling, very painful memories that'd I'd rather not revisit. I haven't entirely forgiven my family for a lot of shit I've gone through.

But I'll never forget the love and support they've given to me, either.

I should also break out of this vicious cycle, and stop falling for guys who only break my heart. That could be hard, though - I'm prone to making bad choices and exercising poor taste.

Anyway - long story short, I aim to get healthy, in all aspects of life, in 2008. Here's to me!

To summarize

The end-of-the-year meme that I've been doing for a couple of years now. I warn you, this is a biggie. There were some 30-odd questions that I chose not to answer, plus a list of "check this if you did it" questions that I also eliminated, because this thing alone took up 4 pages in Word.

Enjoy!

1) Was 2007 a good year for you?
It is amazing, how much a person can change over the course of a year. One year in life, and my feelings have shifted so drastically. Go back two years, and I’m even more different at 21 from what I was at 19. I think that’s why I enjoy this once-a-year quizzes and letters (I write myself a letter at the end of every December, since 2005, and read it in the following December, via FutureMe) – it’s a great way to literally see how much I’ve changed.
Let’s see. I don’t want to sum up the entire year, month-by-month, ‘cause that’d probably bore most of you (and I probably already blogged it). Let’s say that it was… for the most part, positive. Even the negative events can be made positive – I’ll elaborate on this a little later. The point is, whether the incident itself was negative or not, the lasting impact it’s made thus far has served my life for the better.
I’m taking life with a grain of salt, and it’s working out pretty well.

2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
I dislike the word “favorite” – it implies… well, favoritism. I’ll just state that now, so that I won’t have to reiterate my point at every “favorite [blank]” question I run across.
There were many enjoyable moments this year. The latter half of my year as an RA wasn’t as… rewarding as the earlier parts, which I detailed in the End of 2006 meme, but the moments I shared with true friends and family were more than enough to make up for what lacked. My cousin Gus finally got married; KLo, Chris, and I made many memorable memories during Spring quarter (St. Patrick’s Day; the Cliffs; the emergency room – more in the next question); I worked at a Girl Scout camp and made new friends; I took fun (but challenging) courses; I became a History minor; I became Fourth Year Senator on Student Council – all good things.
I reacquainted myself with the #sdcolleges crew, even popping into the IRC channel on occasion, and while they haven’t changed much, it’s still an enjoyable and always friendly atmosphere. Sometimes I forget how wonderful it is, being loved just for being myself.

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
I cracked my shin during the early weeks of Spring quarter, and Chris and KLo dragged me to the emergency room. This wasn’t my least favorite moment because I had to go to the ER, however – I’m used to going to the ER (scarily enough). What made it one of my worst moments was the feeling of betrayal by one of my “close” RA buddies. The utter lack of sympathy I felt from him was just astonishing, and eye-opening. Chris and KLo, and many of the other RAs, were almost too worried, but him? Nothing. Not even an “are you okay?” did I receive from him. Shocking, considering what he had previously meant to me.
Earlier in the year, and also tied to him, was an all-out argument – raised voices, tears, anger, betrayal – between him and M, versus myself and J. I already outlined this fight, so I won’t rehash it all again, but it still stands as a rather horrible memory, especially since I still don’t know what exactly it was that I did to deserve that kind of treatment.
Heartbreak seems to be the key that links all of my years together; painful memories are certainly the easiest to recall. I didn’t fall in love, this year, but it’s been proved that friends are as capable – perhaps even more so – of breaking my heart as any man I’ve lost my heart to.
Other bad memories – breaking up a fight, in the rain, at around 2 or 3 am, at building 705 (I was the RA for building 706, mind you), and there was another one that I can’t remember at the moment (oh yes, my doctor's appointment in June).

4) Where were you when 2007 began?
Once again, I was at home. I did spend a part of the evening at my friend Jesper’s house, where friends were gathered for a party. But I rang in the New Year at home…

5) Who were you with?
… and I rang it in with family.

6) Where will you be when 2007 ends?
I’ll probably be at home.

7) Who will you be with when 2007 ends?
And I’ll probably be with family.

8) Did you keep your new year’s resolution of 2007?
All in all, I suppose. I was a better friend to the friends I felt were worth keeping. I’ve improved my health in some ways, sort of. Well. Okay, so maybe the health thing failed. But who’s perfect?

9) Do you have a new year’s resolution for 2008?
Not yet.

10) Did you fall in love in 2007?
No.

11) Did you breakup with anyone in 2007?
No.

12) Did you make any new friends in 2007?
Yes.

13) Who are your favorite new friends?
Again, I don’t choose favorites.

14) What was your favorite month of 2007?
Let’s see. My birth month is always enjoyable, but I think I actually liked the earlier months, such March, April, and May, the best. There were a lot of fun times packed into those months, and I relish warm weather.
15) Did you travel outside of the US in 2007?
YES, YES I DID! I finally went to Korea! It was a great experience, overall, and I’m so glad to have finally gotten off the American continent!

15) How many different states did you travel to?
Okay see, now this part is boring. I’m quite certain that I didn’t leave California.

16) Did you lose anyone close to you?
Not to Death, no, but I’ve parted ways with friends, mostly because they burned down their bridges to me a long time ago.

17) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
Yes, but they weren’t… well, I was going to write that they weren’t worth it, but that’s not quite true. They are all great people, but when they stopped valuing their relationship with me as highly as I valued mine with them, it got harder to continue putting in that kind of effort. I could have tried harder, yes, but couldn’t they have tried at all?
Now I see what being an “off-campus” friend is like.
18) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2007?
I do believe that 300 takes first prize. I also greatly enjoyed the film adaptations of The Golden Compass, Stardust, and Hairspray. Pan’s Labyrinth was beautiful, and original. And there were a lot of other great films as well.

19) What was your favorite song from 2007?
Again, this category is stupid. I don’t ever pick just one favorite song – I’ve sung my heart out to a variety of artists, from Carrie Underwood to Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.

20) What was your favorite album from 2007?
Same thing.

21) How many concerts did you see in 2007?
One – Sungod 2007, featuring T.I.

22) Did you have a favorite concert in 2007?
Sungod is Sungod – I don’t think I’d ever classify it as a favorite event (especially since I don’t do favorites), but the 2007 event was fun.

23) Did you drink a lot of alcohol?
Not really. I got drunk, finally, but that’s been all of… twice. So no, not a lot of alcohol (though it does take me quite a bit to get there).

24) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2007?
Doxycilin, erythromicin, Benadryl, Tylenol, Advil.

25) How many people did you sleep with in 2007?
48465497415156.

26) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
I don’t recall anything particularly shameful. There are certain things that other people might think I ought to be ashamed of doing, but I’m not.

27) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005?
It’s not so much that they lied; they just made promises that they weren’t able to keep.
I believe that when you declare yourself a friend to someone else, there are certain promises you automatically make, promises that you take for granted until they’re suddenly broken or left unfulfilled.

28) Did you treat somebody badly?
People certainly think so, but again, I don’t know exactly what it is about my behavior – choosing to see a movie with J, instead of waiting to see it with J as well as M and S – that violated all laws of friendship. Apparently, this all related to how J and I were changing in ways that weren’t agreeable to M and S.
I suppose it’s possible that I missed something, but I doubt it. My memory’s pretty damn good when it comes to those kind of things.

29) Did somebody treat you badly in 2005?
People are incredibly good at hurting one another. I’ll repeat myself this year – a truism that still holds from 2005 – that’s life.

30) How much money did you spend in 2005?
A lot, but on necessities, like rent and food.

31) What was your proudest moment of 2005?
I’ve realized who truly matters in my life; I’ve come to terms with the oftentimes hellish disaster that is my family; I wrote a damn good research paper; I’m wrapping up four years of college.

32) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2007?
See, “embarrassing’ moments are all now just either too inconseq uential (which MS doesn’t think is a word) to remember or just so damn funny that they’re no longer embarrassing, that I can’t actually place any particular moment.
Oh, and “most [blank]” can join the “favorite [blank]” in the elitist category.

33) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 and change something, what would it be?
I wouldn’t. I always ask the Eternal Sunshine question – who would you erase, if you had the opportunity? And my answer is always the same – no one.
No regrets, just lessons learned.

34) What are your plans for 2008?
Graduate; get a job in SD; take summer classes; intern; apply to grad school.

Delicious

I crave weirdly.
Last night, I went to the market because, over the weekend, I had a hankering for bologna. Craving bologna, in and of itself, is not so unusual - it's easily accessible, standard lunch meat.
The Hanna factor? I like my bologna fried, and as part of a sandwich - a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Yes, you read that correctly. I like to fry a slice of bologna (and I greatly enjoy the cooking process as well - you should observe a frying slice one day. The heat makes the center of the bologna rise, so you have a slice of lunch meat shaped like yet another childhood staple - that weird toy-thing that you popped at your sisters to annoy them - on your frying pan) and slap it between two slices of bread, one spread with creamy peanut butter and the other with strawberry jam.
It is delicious. It was a favorite childhood snack, one I remembered only the other night, and one I absolutely had to try again. At first, I feared that my memory would have deceived me, that a fried bologna and PBJ sandwich did actually taste as horrible as it sounds. But I discovered, to my delight, that my most awesome memory has once again prevailed, and that my food of childhood is as delicious now as it was then.
Honestly, if you were to ask me what food reminds me of my childhood, I would say fried bologna and PBJ. I adored it when I was a kid, and I don't know why I ever stopped eating this sandwich - it is an orgasmic experience for the taste buds.
If you are faint of heart (or stomach), you may be squirming at the thought of such a meal, but I assure you, it is fantastic. I don't know what about the combination of ingredients makes the end result so enjoyable, but I will divulge to you now my amazing recipe:

2 slices of white bread
creamy peanut butter
strawberry jam
Oscar Mayer bologna

The bread MUST be toasted, the peanut butter MUST be creamy, and it MUST be jam, and not jelly. Oscar Mayer is just standard; I wouldn't even suggest thinking of using an alternative.
I eat PBJ sandwiches on untoasted bread, with either chunky or creamy peanut butter, but there is an exact science to the fried bologna and PBJ - do not tinker with it. It is not a toy, it is not even a meal - it is a privileged experience.

That said, I've also been craving buffalo wings, as of late. I'll also whip up a batch of brownies late at night to satisfy my demanding sweet tooth - I have made shopping trips just to sate a particular whim.
May my future husband be a patient, adventurous man.

HKC

What does your name mean?

My results:

There are 14 letters in your name.
Those 14 letters total to 66
There are 5 vowels and 9 consonants in your name.

What your first name means:
Swedish Female Gracious.
Muslim Female Tainted. Dyed red. (Oh really...)
Hebrew Female Grace.
Arabic Male Arabic form of John.

Your number is: 3

The characteristics of #3 are:
Expression, verbalization, socialization, the arts, the joy of living.

The expression or destiny for #3:
An Expression of 3 produces a quest for destiny with words along a variety of lines that may include writing, speaking, singing, acting or teaching; our entertainers, writers, litigators, teachers, salesmen, and composers. You also have the destiny to sell yourself or sell just about any product that comes along. You are imaginative in your presentation, and you may have creative talents in the arts, although these are more likely to be latent. You are an optimistic person that seems ever enthusiastic about life and living. You are friendly, loving and social, and people like you because you are charming and such a good conversationalist. Your ability to communicate may often inspire others. It is your role in life to inspire and motivate; to raise the spirits of those around you.

The negative side of number 3 Expression is superficiality. You may tend to scatter your forces and simply be too easygoing. It is advisable for the negative 3 to avoid dwelling on trivial matters, especially gossip.

Your Soul Urge number is: 7

A Soul Urge number of 7 means:
With a number 7 Soul Urge you are very fond of reading, and retreating to periods of being alone and away from the disruptions of the outer world. You like to dream and develop your idealistic understandings, to study and analyze, to gain knowledge and wisdom. You may be too laid-back and withdrawn to really succeed in the business world, and you will be much more comfortable in circumstances that are tolerant of your reserve, your analytical approach, and your desire to use your mind rather than your physical being.

You are very timid around people that you don't know very well, so much so at times that casual conversation and social situations can be strained. You tend to repress your emotions to the extend that some people have a good bit of difficulty understanding you. You tend to be very selective with friends and you don't easily adapt to new environments or to new people very quickly.

The negative traits of the 7 include becoming much too introverted and isolated from others. (Well I am being a bit reclusive at the moment...)

Your Inner Dream number is: 5

An Inner Dream number of 5 means:
You dream of being totally free and unrestrained by responsibility. You see yourself conversing and mingling with the natives in many nations, living for adventure and life experiences. You imagine what you might accomplish. (Yep, that about sums it up...)

And holy FUCK but that's a damn good analysis of my personality. I'm not the biggest believer in things like astrology, numerology, and things along that line, but I also can't deny that they can be extremely accurate in their own ways. For example - I know that many people born under the sign of Libra don't embody any of its distinctive characteristics, but I do. That could be coincidence. The numbers generated by the name thing resulted in an eerily dead-on portrayal of my personality, but it missed a couple of things, too (for instance - timid? me? um, not really).
In any case, it's interesting.

Learning curve

I hate teaching. No, let me rephrase that - I loathe, abhor, despise teaching. With a passion.
I get very short-tempered and easily frustrated when I teach, especially when my "pupil" and I face a rather large language barrier. I've lately been instructing my father in the use of his new laptop, but every time I've sat down to help him with something, I always snap at him and leave with a headache. My own knowledge isn't so far advanced that I can "dumb down" the topic for him, nor can I revert to analogies or other teaching methods when they simply won't translate. So we've resorted to the "monkey see, monkey do" option, but it still leaves me aggravated.
I get irritated when people don't know what I know. It's no fault of theirs; I'm simply not patient enough to teach, especially not a subject that I don't particularly enjoy.
I shudder to think what I'll do when my children come asking for help with their geometry. >_<

Not much to say

Life has, for the most part, been uneventful. A few events (ba-dum cha!) have come and gone, but all-in-all, it's been very quiet.
I haven't decided whether this is a good thing or not.

It's usually around this time of year that I do one of my biannual retrospective reflections (now THAT is a mouthful!). In June, it's my end-of-another-school-year reflection, and on December 31 I sum up the entire 12 months.
Very exciting stuff.
(An aside: I am typing this all one-handed, as I am currently eating as ice cream bar and require at least one hand to do so; letting the ice cream bar just sit on my tongue while I type furiously with both hands - which I'm doing at this exact moment - results in a frozen tongue and a tired jaw. Stop innuendo-ing, you pervert. Anyway, the point is that I've discovered that I'm a marginally better typist with my left hand than my right. I think it's because the most important letters of the alphabet seem to be on the left side of the keyboard. Interesting.)

But on to the retrospective reflection for June of 2007.
I haven't yet come to terms with the end of the year, actually. This past Tuesday was the End-of-the-Year Banquet for the RA staff, and we all got a little bit choked up, but I still haven't fully digested the fact that my tenure as an RA is close to over.
I'm mostly relieved. I made a conscious decision to not return to the staff next year, and I'm happy for it. I'm anticipating the freedom of living off-campus and sharing an abode with just my dear Stephi, rather than 54 freshmen. As much as I loved my group, I'll be happier living in a much quieter space with many more freedoms.
I'll miss it, though, and Tuesday is part of the reason why. Tuesday night was one of those extremely rare nights during which all 23 of us could find a good thing to say about one another (and were jumping out of our seats to do so). No drama, just love and friendship, and THAT I will miss. A gigantic family of overachievers stressed constantly with work and life, and the balance of the two.
What I won't miss is the pain that was oftentimes associated with the struggle that came with adjusting life to fit in the RA persona. I most definitely will not miss being Hanna the RA. In fact, I'm positively thrilled to be just Hanna again (well, never again to 54 of my own residents, and who knows how many more just in general. I hope those who I wasn't personally looking after will forget the title after a while).
Oh, and I won't miss going to a club and running into people who claimed that I had written them up not too long ago. Yeah. That happened Thursday night, and was rather awkward, though the girls (drunk, no doubt) thought it was a very good joke. I ran into one of them again on Friday (though I STILL don't actually recognize them, and I remember people I've documented); I think I'd like to maintain just a bit of anonymity once more.
I'm enjoying the prospect of once again being surrounded by true friends on a regular basis; living with Stephi bodes nothing but good fortune, as we are very much one another's rocks. We've been wanting to try this experiment since high school; it's about time we carry it out.
I'll be looking toward my future next year, sorting out my life, the people in it, and what I want out of it. I'll have so much more ME time, and so much more time to dedicate to smaller numbers of people. I hate that I wasn't able to know my residents personally - detachment comes with the job - so going back to a smaller social circle is a comforting prospect. I'd like to really acquaint myself with a few people as well (name, Al) - we'll see what comes of that.
I'll be in my final year of college - I'm definitely not anticipating any more school for at least a little while. And I'm going to wear a different student involvement hat as a member of SCSC - a distinct difference from ResLife.
I'll miss what I lost, but I've been missing that for quite some time now. And I've already realized that it's completely irretrievable; I mourn what was lost but I see that it was inevitable, really.
Once again, another year of tough lessons learned. A little more heartache and heartbreak - I wonder how many times it can stand breaking apart and then being painstakingly pieced together before it's utterly ruined.
Another layer of skin. Soon it may be completely impenetrable. For the better or the worse.
Only one more to go.
I wanted to really live up senior year of high school (whatever that meant to me back then). I wanted to look back and think, "Damn, I want to go back to high school!" Now, I realize that that is complete idiocy, for who in their right mind would want to return to high school?
This time around, I want to enjoy my last year of school ever (or for a while, at the very least) for myself. I want to be happy, I want more gut-wrenching, face-aching laughter, I want more smiles, I want more sunshine (literally, as well as figuratively). Who knows - a little love could hurt, but could be fun as well.
Most of all, I want it to be memorable, for the right reasons. Sure, growing from the pain of heartbreak and hard lessons will Cultivate My Soul and Teach Me to Become A Better Person - blah, blah, blah. As far as I know, happy memories can be as well-qualified an instructor and much less painful. I'd like some more of those.
But all-in-all, the year's been interesting.
I'm glad it's over, though.

To the left, to the left

The entire left side of my body is one giant mess. I've thought this for a while now, but this came up in conversation with KLo last night because of a shooting pain in the left side of my lower back.
My left eye's vision is about 2 points more negative than my right eye. I twisted my left ankle at around this time last year, and it still bothers me - it isn't nearly as flexible as my right, and flexing it tends to aggravate the muscles. I sprained my left wrist not too long ago, and I don't even know how I did it, but it too still twinges and aches (thank goodness I'm not left-handed, but typing tends to be problematic on my more achy days - such as today, the day before an essay is due).
And now, my back. I can't bend forward and I can't lean backwards, without sending a sharp jolt of pain through my lower back. I've popped two ibuprofen pills, since taking just one last night before bed did absolutely nothing. I hoped to sleep it off, but it's still very much there.
Which side of the brain is math-minded?

Hugs

Sometimes, all I want, all I need, is a hug. Sometimes, that's all it takes.

Returning

The returner applications for RAs are due at the end of this week, which means I have from now until, oh, Thursday evening to decide whether or not I want the chance to have this job again.
I know I've been a good RA to my residents, and I love knowing that they consider me a good role model. And I've made so many great memories while at this job - Unolympics, for example, will go down in history.
But what I need to evaluate right now is if I've been a good RA to my 19 peers, and if I've been a good person to myself. And, if I haven't been, if being an RA is a part of the answer.
I also need to be sure that I'm reapplying for the right reasons, and that I'll be able to live with my decision. I don't want to apply for the position without being reasonably sure that I'll not only do a good job, but that I'll also love doing it.
It's a hefty load to balance, and I've got a lot of thinking to do. Real soul-searching, I think.

Change

Right now, I've either got to see some positive changes taking effect, or I've got to throw everything to hell and stop caring.
I sincerely hope it's the former, but if it comes down to the second option, then so be it. One way or another, I cannot have such negative, draining influences in my life and stay sane (relatively speaking). Things are going to change, no matter what.
I'll do whatever I can to try and fix this, but I can only do so much before I'm forced to give up entirely for the sake of my sanity. And I'm going to go nuts a helluva lot faster if I don't see any reciprocated action.
I think we're all trying, but I could be wrong. I'm trying. I'm trying to have conversations, I'm trying to honestly speak my mind. I'm honestly fine with having more uncomfortable discussions about feelings and emotions if it'll lead to a stronger, better foundation. Rome wasn't built in a day, after all.
I won't be neutral, either. I'm not going to play Geneva, here. I have way too much invested in this to remain above and distanced from all of this. I care too much about the people, and I care too much about my own feelings to play mediator, and I don't think that was understood from the beginning. How can I be neutral when this whole thing revolves around my friendships? How is that possible of anyone? I don't want to neglect any relationships, and if that means that I lose my neutrality, then fine. I never wanted that kind of status in the first place. And after all, that was part of how this all started - neglect of attention, neglect of honesty. So why anyone would think that I'm trying to remain the third party here is absolutely incomprehensible. Honestly, how does that appeal to ANYONE'S sense of logic?
Anyway. This situation is affecting everything in my life right now, and none of the effects are positive. It's hindering my performance at my job and as an RA, it's corroding my relationships with all of my different groups of friends. I can't have that in my life.

Sweet nothings

I've always described in great measures the absolute adoration I have for good conversation. There has never been a time in my life when I haven't rated conversation high on my list of enjoyments (along with reading, chocolate, and coffee).
Some of the best moments of my life have been spent literally pounding the floor in spasms of glee. When my face feels stretched from laughter, when my sides are in stitches - these are times that I simply cannot get enough of.
My conversations with you don't have to be political or philosophical debates. More often than not, I've spent many an hour in conversation simply discussing everything and nothing. Steph and I used to trace our conversations (once we went from pencils to our principal, or something along those lines) just to see where our chats have led us. I love these kinds of talks, where you and I are just so comfortable discussing whatever it is that comes up, whether it be our plans for the weekend, a movie we both want to see, a book we've read, how the leaves are changing - whatever. Get me to laugh (which is most definitely not as hard as you might think) and you're golden.
And yet, not so funny conversations - heart-to-hearts, confessions, etc. - mean the world to me as well; trusting me with your secrets, with your fears, with your heart is the only way I know that I am being a good friend to you. I can make just about anyone laugh, but I can't make them all open up to me, nor can I to them. So while these aren't conversations that might make me ROTFLMAO, they're just as meaningful to me as nothing conversations.
In short, I like conversing with you.
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Along the same lines, I've suddenly become a telephone-phobe. I never used to fear using the telephone; I was the stereotypical glued-to-her-phone girl for most of my life. But these days, unless I have a specific reason for calling you, I won't. I don't know why; I'd like to blame the internet and instant messaging for making communication just so much more convenient, if not personable. And that is a part of the reason, I think. But in all honesty, I find telephonic conversations intimidating. Awkward silences aren't as uncomfortable online.
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Anywhoo. Happy Tuesday!