Am I hard to please?

Am I hard to please?

In a word? Very.

Let's face the facts:

1. I'm complicated. My moods shift constantly, and are easily affected by a word, a change in the weather, a book, and so forth. For the most part, I come off as optimistic and cheerful, but often enough, the cheer and optimism mask my true feelings. I care deeply what other people think, and if I think that they want me to happy and outgoing, then I'll do the best that I can do be that person. What can I say - I'm a people-pleaser. Unfortunately, this usually means that when a burst of temper or depression breaks through the mask, the people are taken entirely by surprise and are none too pleased.

I'm making an honest effort to be more true to myself and to my feelings and emotions as they occur. I firmly believe that people cannot truly know and love me if I continue disguising myself for their own benefit. It's a lie, and lies are no foundation for a relationship.

So yes - I'm complicated. Mercurial, even. That's just me.

2. I'm emotional. Sometimes in the stereotypical way, but mostly, I mean that I feel emotions very strongly. I feed off of the energies of the people around me; if they're down, then I'm down. My highs are truly incredible, however. When I'm feeling the good vibrations, it'll take some monumental effort to bring me back down.

Again, this reflects the up-and-down nature of my moods. I feel emotions strongly and and am affected by them so quickly it'll make your head spin.

3. I'm distant. I have quite a few acquaintances, but very few close friends. Let's face it - I have trust issues, rooted deep in my past. Don't expect me to trust you and call you a best friend within months. Instead, think more along the lines of years. People have to see me through a lot of thin before they earn my trust.

And even then, it takes a lot to get me to sob on their shoulders. As much as I feel emotion, I don't like showing them, particularly the more negative ones. I'll gladly show frustration and irritation - as long as its over some little thing (such as TWCSD not providing me with internet for several weeks). If it relates to a person in my life, or some important circumstance, I'll be very circumspect. Even more so if I'm hurt - I hate, hate, HATE crying in front of people. It's a weakness that I refuse to show.

4. I reclusive. My friends, especially those that I talk to more often on the internet than I do in person, often note that I retreat from my social life for extended periods at a time - usually during the early summer months. I need that time to recharge, recuperate, and reflect. I do a lot of journaling and thinking during that period, whether it revolves around sorting through yet another mangled love affair or addressing concerns over my future.

I think this happens during early summer because it's right around the end of a school year. A lot happens over the course of a school year, and I'll generally need some time to look over what happened (and sometimes, what didn't) and to make some sense of how I feel. I'm no longer in school, but it'll still happen, whether it occurs at the end of something important, or if I'm simply feeling swamped by life at large.

5. I'm pissing-in-my-pants terrified of love. I've addressed this topic time and time again because of just how hugely this fear factors into my life. I've yet to commit to a real relationship with someone because I'm simply too scared to give so much of myself to another person. It goes back to the trust issues, and my family life.

Also (and this can't be denied), I've set my standards pretty damn high. Many of these standards aren't exactly tangible - I can't set a list in stone like I used to do back in the seventh grade. I refuse to set my standards any lower because I feel absolutely no need to settle for someone. Not with my fears, not with my experiences, do I plan on just resigning myself to someone who isn't quite right. I would rather spend my entire life single than settle; I refuse to be my mother.

Yes, that scares people off. So what? I didn't want them anyway. If they can't see past the complications, the masks, the distance, and the space, and into the heart that truly is capable of the biggest and greatest love, then they aren't worth it. If they aren't patient enough to work through my fears, and to realize that I want to work through them too, then they aren't man enough.

Because I will fight the fears. I will compromise, though I will never compromise my absolute standards. I will be everything that I can and do everything that I can do, short of sacrificing myself. Because love isn't about sacrificing yourself, your being, your you-ness for someone else. It's about loving that someone completely and truly because of all the things that make that person special and unique - even if it does mean putting up with some kooks and quirks.

I won't settle for anything less.