On anti-social behavior and family

I'm not sorry that I've been feeling anti-social as of late. It is my firm belief that people are entitled to alone-time and personal space, and right now, that is exactly what I need. I am sorry, however, that some of my friends seem to be taking this personally, as if my aim in isolating myself for these past who knows how many weeks was to injure their feelings. I love you, but no. Do not think that this is me being petty, or me being flaky. This is me needing some goddamn time to myself, and it has nothing to do with you.

Please take that as a compliment. I'm not trying to avoid you. I'm trying to avoid EVERYONE. You may not agree with my methods - in fact, I know that some of you don't - but this is what I need to do for me. And if you can't understand that, when I'm feeling down and out I like to spend some time alone and sort things through, then you aren't the people I thought you were.

On another note, I'll be home most weekends, starting from this past weekend to at least the end of this month. I plan on being here every other weekend in October, since that is my birth month, and I'd like to celebrate with friends (I'm thinking game night!). The reason for this is that my mom recently had an accident and underwent surgery; she is currently in the recovery process, and her surgeons have ordered her to do as little as possible, lest she suffer a setback (like she did this past weekend). In order to make life as easy as possible for my mom, whose business demands likewise that she be on her feet nearly all the time, I will be going home to chauffeur her around, as well as to cook and clean and all that jazz. Please understand that my mom comes first, and right now, she's not doing very well. If my going home on the weekends to care for her bothers you, then again - you aren't the people I thought you were.

You, however, being the people I thought you were, will hopefully understand that I am sorting through my life as best I can, while also offering unconditional support to my mother. You will understand that I mean no harm, and that while I may be avoiding social interactions, this in no way means that I don't still love you, that I don't miss you. I do - I just need to take care of me, and I need to take care of my mom.

I love you all!

On reclusive behavior

No, I'm not dead. I'm just being reclusive again, that's all. There are some big changes in my life that I'm doing my best to deal with, and at the moment, it involves being anti-social.

Life's a bitch, you know? And we all have our ways of coping; hiding from society a la Criminy and his stacks of books is mine.

I'll see you when this all blows over. :D

On misery and company

Earlier this week, people mentioned that I'd been avoiding them recently, and this is a true statement. When I'm under any kind of duress, I tend to avoid some people and turn to others, and I'm not going to apologize for this behavior.

This time around, however, I wasn't able to specify why some were avoided and some were not. Clearly, I'm not the only person in the world who has issues; it shouldn't be that difficult to find someone who can empathize with being part of a dysfunctional family. I put my finger on it earlier tonight, though - I'm the only person in my set of friends who has issues of this particular nature. That automatically narrows the list of people who understand down to none.

Another reason - some people are more comfortable about asking me if I'm doing okay than others. I think the reason why my roommates and the #sdcolleges crowd never ask how I'm doing is because they think I don't want to talk about it, and to a certain degree, they're right. It's a painful issue, and aside from two friends of mine, no one really knows how painful.

But there's a reason why those two friends, Fadiya and KLo, know - it's because they're comfortable with asking me how I'm doing, and receiving a negative answer in response. If anyone else asks that question, I automatically say, "I'm fine" - and they think nothing of it. Of course they don't - how are they to know if I actually am fine or not?

Well, Fadiya and KLo know. They can hear it in the tone of my voice and they can read it on my face, even when I'm trying my damnedest to hide it. They know, and they ask the question again, and they continue asking until they get the real answer.

And they won't freak out if I happen to be feeling like crap. I remember when a friend of mine asked if I needed therapy, because I showed a little anger over a bad memory I have of family and snow. After she asked that, she basically told me that I needed to cheer up because "no one likes a grumpy Hanna."

KLo and Fadiya's response? "Fuck. That. Shit." They like a grumpy Hanna about as much as everyone else does (i.e. not even a little), but unlike the afore-quoted friend of mine, they actually try to help me through my grumpiness. They know that I'm not flying off the handle just because it amuses me. No, they dislike Grumpy Hanna because that means that something is wrong, that something is bothering me, and they're going to try to help me through it so I can be happy again.

My friends - they know I'm strong, they know that I keep things like fear and anger bottled up inside. The difference between those two and everyone else, however, is that they aren't afraid when I'm anything less than perfectly happy. If I need to cry, if I need to scream, if I need to be pissed the fuck off - fine. They won't bat an eyelash. They'll be sad with me, they'll be mad with me - and they'll let me ride out my emotions without once freaking out over the fact that I'm showing any.

So that's the reason why I turn to them when I'm depressed - because they'll help me through it, without giving me any stupid "Cheer up!" advice. Because I'm not afraid to be depressed around them.

Hope that clears things up. I'm trying to socialize with the #sdcolleges crew more often, but if I need to avoid you every now and then, I hope you understand.

Disappearing act

Hey... if a certain number of you don't see me around, in either virtual or actual reality, don't worry. I'm neither dead nor missing, I'm just... retreating from this particular social scene for a little while. I need a little time to myself, and a lot of time to spend with certain friends who, frankly, completely understand me and my current state of mind and empathize with a lot of the issues that I'm attempting to sort through now.

I need to come to terms with my parents' relationship and my own bad experiences, in my own way and under my own terms. I've accepted that, while I can't do this alone, I can and have chosen to be with people who have been through similar experiences and have had similar thoughts. They'll let me work through things at my own pace, and they'll provide exactly the type of help I need without my having to explain a thing. They'll just know. They won't advise; instead, they'll commiserate. They won't lecture; instead, they'll share. And, perhaps most important of all, they won't try to cheer me up or force upon me a falsely positive point of view. They'll let me sink my teeth into the problem and deal with it once and for all, and if that involves suffering from mild depression for a little while, then that's fine. It's an emotion that I need to experience and understand before I am able to move on, and they'll let me. They won't force me to jump back into the pool because they know that's not going to help. They won't be irritated with me for being anything less than happy, because they don't hold me to that unrealistic expectation.

I need to be sad for a little while. It means I'm facing reality.

Extraordinary

"Extraordinary" by Liz Phair
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So... despite my little to-do list, this entry has absolutely nothing to do with what my WIP.
Ha. I'm so lazy, I no longer want to write about what I wanted to write about.
Speaking of lazy, however, I mostly just wanted to rant about how quickly August flew by, and how little time I have left in my undergraduate career.
I really wish I'd taken summer classes; since I didn't this year, I may have to next summer, just to complete my minor (which I have every intention of doing). I should have taken classes during Session II, though - I've done so little this summer, it bores me to think about it. I had plenty of time that I wasted idly. Including the GEMM camp, I've worked approximately 50 hours all summer long.
(Yes, those 50 hours were all for the camp. Yes, this is me being snarky. But hey, it's all at my expense.)
I've spent so much goddamned money and time doing absolutely goddamned nothing. I really need to get a goddamned job.
Anyway. Contrary to popular belief, I am not being evasive - I'm being reclusive. There's a difference, really.
Every now and then, even the most social of butterflies wants to retreat from society and hole up in her room with a couple of good books, some manga, maybe a movie - and no people. It's just one of those times.
This butterfly means no offense; she just wants her alone-time. :D
I'm effing bored, but at the moment, I don't really want to see people. Yes, I'm a bundle of contradictions. Isn't that being human?