It's official

I am officially a UCSD alumna.

Well, not yet. Technically, I still have two more classes to complete, but I'll be taking them over the summer, and we all know that summer school doesn't really count.

Okay, so it's going to be boring as hell. At least I'll then be officially-and-this-time-it's-for-real done.

Graduation was a stinky, sweaty affair; the sun was bright and directly overhead, the graduation attire was silly and heat-conductive, the airhorns were ridiculously loud, and "Pomp and Circumstance" gets annoying after ten minutes. I didn't trip on either of my two trips to the stage, which was a blessing, since my heels kept digging into the grass - I was basically walking on my toes throughout the ceremony.

The walk produced a feeling of accomplishment and closure, but now I'm right back at Sixth College, working for the Orientation program. It's really as though I've never left. I get the feeling that true closure will come when I actually get off the campus, though I'm rather loathe to leave this place. I do love this college - it's become my second home - and the memories I'll be taking with me, rife with drama, laughs, tears, and love, will last me the rest of my lifetime, but leaving is still a difficult thing to do.

It helps that most of the people I know have already left, or are leaving soon. I have made a lot of friends with some underclassmen, though, and I'm greatly enjoying my job. I'll be sad when it's over, I know.

Four years. How is it already over? How do I feel as though I haven't aged a line, yet at the same time feel wise beyond my years?

And how do I sum up four years of growth, new experiences, heartaches, and joys in one little blog entry? Impossible. But if I were to try, I'd say that it was four years of discovery - discovering who I am and what I'm made of, discovering who my true friends are as well as the ones willing to let me fall by the wayside on their way to other things. Discovering love, and all the ups and downs (and it was mostly downs) that come along for the ride.

It was a journey of discovery. That's the best way to put it, I suppose. An end of an era, you might say.

La dee da!

Two finals down, one more to go! Yippee!

No rest for the wicked

I was utterly unproductive this past weekend; I ought to have taken advantage of the extended weekend by getting some reading done, as I have a 3-essay midterm due next Tuesday, and a 15-page research paper looming over in the near future. Instead, I finised reading one book, plowed through another, and started on a third. I also watched several episodes of "Battlestar Galactica" and dined out with Stephi for very nearly all of my meals.

I'm paying for my lazy attitude now, since my reading is piling up, but I honestly don't regret it. I very desperately needed some downtime, and I so love reading for fun. Not that the readings for my classes aren't interesting, because they are, but they aren't exactly texts I'd want to curl up with. Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett novels, however, were exactly what I needed.

Anyway. Many of you haven't seen much of me, and that won't change. I'll be occupied until Tuesday, and even after I hand in my midterm, I'll still be kept busy. I won't apologize for my antisocial behavior, however - school has only been increasing in importance this year, and since I'm determined to get into a good grad school, grades matter more now than they ever did before. Still, I do miss seeing all of you, so I'll be glad when I have a little breathing room.

Oh, and I'm now ordained! Anyone getting married any time soon?

Once an RA...

... but never again!

No, I truly did enjoy the experience, and I relish the lessons I've learned, but I'm happier with the freedom I have. I'll need it, too, since I've chosen an intense way to end my college career - I'm aiming to leave with a bang, not a whimper.
One decision I made during spring quarter was to minor in History. I've always regretted not minoring in anything, but for the last 2.75 years, I'd spent so much time doing extracurriculars and enjoying a healthy social life that I hadn't given much thought to my degree. Now that my time at UCSD is drawing to a close, however, I was suddenly struck by all that I didn't do, and in the beginning of spring, I was overwhelmed by this incredible desire to continue learning.
For the past three years, I've only ever taken three classes a quarter (except once, when I took dance as a fourth. That didn't really count). Now I regret that I wasted so much time, even if I spent it being very involved in Sixth College. I could have found the time to do both, plus work; now, I regret that I didn't take so many classes that the Communications Department offers. I did decide to add on a minor, though, because it will be relatively easy for me to complete History; I wish I had the time to take courses beyond the paltry necessities, but alas, I was a fool. With my AP scores, plus a class I took as a G.E., I'll be able to complete the History requirements without too much stress.
It's the Communications courses that I didn't take, however, that I regret the most. UCSD offers a lot of extremely intriguing courses, from cultural analysis to media production, that I want to have taken advantage, but time is running out. I've thought about it, but I don't want to take a fifth year; I'm ready to graduate.
However - and this is truly odd - I am seriously considering grad school. I've declared time and time again that I don't need grad school for my chosen career - I need experience. I've recognized, however, that my chosen career may not be what I actually want to pursue, now that I've had three years to think about it, and even if I finish my fourth year and decide that I would still like to be a journalist, grad school won't hurt. There are classes I still need to take and writing experience I need to gain before I can even begin to take myself seriously, let alone others.
Grad school, of course, means that I'll need to get strong grades this year. I'll also need to strengthen bonds with the Comm Department's faculty, as well; luckily, I have a budding mentorship with one of my TAs, and I've grown attached to a professor as well - I took a class of his in Winter, loved it, took another class in Spring, loved it even more, and am signed up for a class in Fall.
The mentorship I mentioned is what I really meant to discuss in this post, however. For a week in August, I will be a mentor to Girl Scouts attending a film camp put on by the San Diego Women's Film Foundation; I'll oversee a group of girls taking a course on film production taught by my TA, Lauren. My technical skills aren't something to boast about (a course on which I should take before I graduate. *sigh*), but they're good enough for me to serve as an overseer. I'm really supposed to act as a role model, who might also be able to answer some technical questions along the way. I'm encouraged to suggest ideas for activities - icebreakers, guest lecturers - and I'm supposed to stimulate confidence and encourage personal expression through the medium of film.
Which goes back to the title of my post. I don't know that I'll ever outgrow the "leader" tendency - the habit of throwing myself into positions that expect me to demonstrate positive mentorship and leadership. It's not that I mind (or else I wouldn't be doing these types of extracurriculars), but I'd been expecting to take a break.
Ah hell, who am I kidding? Summer's been a bore, without work; I'll be excited to get my girls and have some sort of task to accomplish. Plus, I'm working with a new age group, and they're all female. This is similar to positions I've held in the past, which is comforting, but on a completely different playing field, which is excitingly challenging. I'm looking forward to it. :D
I still need a job, though, especially since this will only last a week. It'll be full-time, 9:30am to 4:30pm, but it will still only be for a week. I've beautified my resume (thanks for the help, DJ!) with my m4d Microsoft Word skillz, but I haven't heard from any of the people I contacted, and I'm running out of appealing offers.
I may have to crawl back to LJS&C. :\

Oh, and I became a member of University City's branch of the San Diego Public Library! I adore being a part of a library; it's been keeping me sane, the past few days. I go, I check out a couple of books, read them within the day (since I have nothing else to do - I really need a job), and return them the following day, only to check out more. I always do a lot of reading during the summer, though, which is nice. I just want something to do on top of it all - work during the day, and read just one book a night. That's reasonable, isn't it?

Not much to say

Life has, for the most part, been uneventful. A few events (ba-dum cha!) have come and gone, but all-in-all, it's been very quiet.
I haven't decided whether this is a good thing or not.

It's usually around this time of year that I do one of my biannual retrospective reflections (now THAT is a mouthful!). In June, it's my end-of-another-school-year reflection, and on December 31 I sum up the entire 12 months.
Very exciting stuff.
(An aside: I am typing this all one-handed, as I am currently eating as ice cream bar and require at least one hand to do so; letting the ice cream bar just sit on my tongue while I type furiously with both hands - which I'm doing at this exact moment - results in a frozen tongue and a tired jaw. Stop innuendo-ing, you pervert. Anyway, the point is that I've discovered that I'm a marginally better typist with my left hand than my right. I think it's because the most important letters of the alphabet seem to be on the left side of the keyboard. Interesting.)

But on to the retrospective reflection for June of 2007.
I haven't yet come to terms with the end of the year, actually. This past Tuesday was the End-of-the-Year Banquet for the RA staff, and we all got a little bit choked up, but I still haven't fully digested the fact that my tenure as an RA is close to over.
I'm mostly relieved. I made a conscious decision to not return to the staff next year, and I'm happy for it. I'm anticipating the freedom of living off-campus and sharing an abode with just my dear Stephi, rather than 54 freshmen. As much as I loved my group, I'll be happier living in a much quieter space with many more freedoms.
I'll miss it, though, and Tuesday is part of the reason why. Tuesday night was one of those extremely rare nights during which all 23 of us could find a good thing to say about one another (and were jumping out of our seats to do so). No drama, just love and friendship, and THAT I will miss. A gigantic family of overachievers stressed constantly with work and life, and the balance of the two.
What I won't miss is the pain that was oftentimes associated with the struggle that came with adjusting life to fit in the RA persona. I most definitely will not miss being Hanna the RA. In fact, I'm positively thrilled to be just Hanna again (well, never again to 54 of my own residents, and who knows how many more just in general. I hope those who I wasn't personally looking after will forget the title after a while).
Oh, and I won't miss going to a club and running into people who claimed that I had written them up not too long ago. Yeah. That happened Thursday night, and was rather awkward, though the girls (drunk, no doubt) thought it was a very good joke. I ran into one of them again on Friday (though I STILL don't actually recognize them, and I remember people I've documented); I think I'd like to maintain just a bit of anonymity once more.
I'm enjoying the prospect of once again being surrounded by true friends on a regular basis; living with Stephi bodes nothing but good fortune, as we are very much one another's rocks. We've been wanting to try this experiment since high school; it's about time we carry it out.
I'll be looking toward my future next year, sorting out my life, the people in it, and what I want out of it. I'll have so much more ME time, and so much more time to dedicate to smaller numbers of people. I hate that I wasn't able to know my residents personally - detachment comes with the job - so going back to a smaller social circle is a comforting prospect. I'd like to really acquaint myself with a few people as well (name, Al) - we'll see what comes of that.
I'll be in my final year of college - I'm definitely not anticipating any more school for at least a little while. And I'm going to wear a different student involvement hat as a member of SCSC - a distinct difference from ResLife.
I'll miss what I lost, but I've been missing that for quite some time now. And I've already realized that it's completely irretrievable; I mourn what was lost but I see that it was inevitable, really.
Once again, another year of tough lessons learned. A little more heartache and heartbreak - I wonder how many times it can stand breaking apart and then being painstakingly pieced together before it's utterly ruined.
Another layer of skin. Soon it may be completely impenetrable. For the better or the worse.
Only one more to go.
I wanted to really live up senior year of high school (whatever that meant to me back then). I wanted to look back and think, "Damn, I want to go back to high school!" Now, I realize that that is complete idiocy, for who in their right mind would want to return to high school?
This time around, I want to enjoy my last year of school ever (or for a while, at the very least) for myself. I want to be happy, I want more gut-wrenching, face-aching laughter, I want more smiles, I want more sunshine (literally, as well as figuratively). Who knows - a little love could hurt, but could be fun as well.
Most of all, I want it to be memorable, for the right reasons. Sure, growing from the pain of heartbreak and hard lessons will Cultivate My Soul and Teach Me to Become A Better Person - blah, blah, blah. As far as I know, happy memories can be as well-qualified an instructor and much less painful. I'd like some more of those.
But all-in-all, the year's been interesting.
I'm glad it's over, though.

It's just a little crush

I'm studying at Geisel at the moment, and when I say "studying," I mean poking around on the internet. Surfing through Facebook, reading blogs, writing emails - you know how it goes.
My hour or so spent here so far has gone a little something like this:
My friend and I camp out on level 5.
We annoy the studious male at the table next to ourselves - violent sighs, tapping fingers, and occasional sharp glances sufficiently suggests irritation.
I type violently, and purposefully, an email to my friend.
My friend loses the fight with her computer's battery; we lose the fight to male studier; we re-locate.
We are unable to find another location on the 6th floor with a decent wireless signal.
We move to the first floor.
And that's where you can find me at the moment. I don't know how much longer I'll be here - my stomach is going to start grumbling at any moment. But until then, I'll probably carry on with the web surfing. And hey, it's not as if I'm not getting any work done. I've already done the assignment due in CAT 125 section tomorrow, AND I've edited my Facebook profile! I call that a solid day's work.

Grades, coffee, and paranoia

Considering that I didn't give a hoot about either of the classes that I was taking for a grade this quarter, I can't complain. A straight "B" record won't do me too much harm. I can live with a 3.0 GPA for the quarter. My cumulative GPA rounds out to a 3.3, which I can also live with. Next quarter should be decidedly more interesting, class-wise, so I look forward to better grades. I'll also have gotten a handle on the job expectations of being an RA, and will hopefully be better at separating my work from my personal life. It's far too easy for me to get caught up in doing what I want to do versus doing what I should be, what I need to be doing. Like studying, or sleeping. It was quite easy for me to sacrifice those this quarter.
I've caught up on the sleeping part, this first week of break. I finally broke down and got sick (thank all that is holy that it happened AFTER finals week), so I took off work (which is the only reason why I stuck around SD this long) and just slept. Oh, and I ate. I ate A LOT. I could not stop eating. I think I'll be on my period soon. I usually eat like a demon before it comes by.
You probably didn't need to know that, but I'm trying this new thing where I blog for myself, and not for the 20 some odd people who read it. I requested that my feed be removed from p.n.n, and it has, so that bunch is most likely no longer reading this. Aside from them, very few others peek into my blogged life, so I suppose I can now be at my most honest since, frankly, I don't give a damn what the random strangers who might happen upon this think of my day-to-day life.
I'm typing this all at Cafe Roma in Price Center, sipping on my blended mocha with whipped cream and munching on my first meal of the day, a very hearty croissant (croissant-a-licious! [if you aren't Sean, Juliet, Megan, Christine, or myself, you probably didn't get that]). As I sit here, my back is to most of the other caffeine-addicted patrons - a position that has me feeling slightly vulnerable. The music is blaring loudly, as are my headphones (plugged into my handy mp3 player), so I can't tell if my typing bothers people. I should think my typing is the type that would, the type that would have me kicked out of Geisel Library before I'd even finished writing my name. I'm an aggressive typer - I really like punching the keys. I think it produces a sound of accomplishment, but apparently studiers in Geisel would disagree.
But I digress.
The screen sits a good two feet away from me - possibly three (I'm rather bad at estimating distances) - so anyone with good eyesight and within close proximity to myself could read my screen. I don't know why I should be bothered to care, since this thing is being published on the web. And I don't really care if they read my blog; I care more about what they think of blogging. And of me blogging on a public computer. Of me blogging in general. I'm too intimidated to visit facebook right now, because I'm afraid the people sitting nearby would scoff in their heads.
Like I said, I can't be sure why I'm even bothered enough to care, but there you are. I've always cared too much what people think about me. I never step out of my room without having examined my outfit in two different mirrors (both under two different types of light) and without a speck of makeup. Thanks to my dermatologist, I no longer feel the need to cake on two foundations, topped with a powder, but even he cannot do anything for my squinty Korean eyes. Today is actually the first day in quite a while that I've entered the public realm not wearing foundation, but I still have eyeshadow on to give me the illusion of larger eyes.
Once again, I care too much.
Anyhow. What a fun experiment! I might quite enjoy this blogging for myself business. And now to facebook - there aren't too many people behind me after all.