Revisiting the past

Still wading my way through the blogs.

"I am: Insane. Also known as Hanna.
I want: to be myself, whoever that may be.
I have: the ability to laugh at myself.
I wish: for world peace!
I hate: onions, arrogant and disrespectful people, and my skin.
I miss: being naive. Ignorance was bliss.
I fear: spiders and loneliness.
I hear: so many voices telling me what to be that my own voice is drowned.
I search: my soul. And for my common sense...
I wonder: if I'll ever find true love-if it exists, that is.
I love: my family, my friends, animals, a clear, sunny day, a good breeze, bright colors, chocolate, cheese, and ice cream.
I always: arrive on time!!! Punctuality is a plus.
I never: pay attention in Stats or apologize for myself, even when I should. Too damn proud...
I dance: whenever the hell I want to!
I sing: whenever the hell I want to!
I cry: when I'm alone
I am not always: honest with myself.
I write: what I feel, what I can't say out loud.
I win: when I try.
I confuse: what I want with what people want from me.
I need: more self-love. I have none.
I should: exercise more. I need more energy!"

Also written during senior year. Still pretty true to myself, I think.

"You do not have the right to laugh at other people's expense unless they are laughing at themselves. Seriously, how horrible would it be if someone tripped and fell, and everyone was laughing at him/her, but he/she wasn't laughing? That'd just be cruel, and imagine how the poor guy/girl would feel. This is why I take pride in being able to laugh at myself-I don't CARE whether or not you laugh at me, 'cause I don't think it matters. I can laugh at myself, which means that if you laugh at me, whether you're mocking me or not, it doesn't matter because I don't care. So if I do something stupid, laugh at me all you want, 'cause I'll stand up and laugh at me too. 'Cause I know that I won't remember in a few years, and if I do remember, I won't care. But some people are a lot more sensitive than I am, and if they aren't laughing at themselves, or they are but they don't look like they mean it, don't laugh at them. That's cruel. Just 'cause you can laugh at yourself doesn't mean other people can laugh at themselves. And do you really want to hurt other people's feelings? Do they not mean anything at all?
I realize that I've laughed at other people's expense many times, and I'm sorry. I realize that its hurtful, I know that. Especially if you're laughing on the outside, but on the inside really feeling a lot of pain.
Sticks and stones can only break bones. Words can shatter the soul.
Love Hanna"

Wrote THAT too. And it also still holds true.
Maybe I was brighter than I gave myself credit for. I wish I could go back and hug this Hanna. If I knew then that I was going to reread all of this stuff a few years later, and be proud for thinking this way, I would have had a lot more REAL confidence in myself. Oh well - better late than never.

" Don't hate me because I have a voice that I'm not afraid to use."

Okay... I was bad-ass. :D
And wow! I was really disappointed with being admitted to Sixth College. Ha, if I only knew! I should be the poster child for Sixth - I didn't even want to come here originally, and I just absolutely fell in love once I gave it a chance.
Haha, I'd forgotten how my friend had been the President (in name) of our chapter of CSF, but I was the actual President (in work), though I was technically the Senior Rep.
OH MY GOD, DAARSTAD'S LEGS!

"Question for today:
You'd think that love, true, meaningful love, should be wondrous, miraculous even. So, why is it that Love's shadow is Pain and Confusion?

My own answer:
Because being in love makes you vulnerable in the worst way. I've found, in my own experience, that it is far easier to really hurt me if you're someone I care about. If I don't like you, then why should I care what you think? But if you're someone I love, you have a great deal of power over me. Fortunately I have wonderful friends who don't use it to hurt me, but to make me a better person. (Awww, Hanna's spewing sap...)

I think that's why I'm so afraid of opening myself up to love. I mean, I'm a die-hard romantic, and I'm in love with the idea of romance and love. But I'm scared of it as well. I hate being vulnerable, and putting myself in a situation where a single person has the power to make or break my hear-well, that's frightening. Of course, there are all the blessings that comes with love as well, but it comes down to whether you want to risk breaking your heart for the greatest miracle on earth, or protect your heart from any and all pain by blocking out love.
Choices, choices."

That's it. I was a fucking genius.

"Question of the Day:
What propels you forward, what makes you look forward to another day?

My answer:
I'd hate to die young. I really would. I'd hate not knowing what potential I might have fulfilled, I'd hate not knowing where life would take me or where I would take my life. But most of all, I'd hate leaving things unfinished. There's a lot that I look forward to doing, no matter how small the accomplishment may seem. I don't want to die without having had a goal and achieving it. So far, that goal is to be truly happy with myself and with my life. I personally don't think I've really lived yet, and I'm not ready to go until I have. That's why I get up every day."

A. FUCKING. GENIUS.

Bah. I was an RA in the making since my first day of college. Forgot about that, and about the Secret Santa I organized...